Sistaz & Suitors Questions (101)

• Tinu wrote on 10-02-2012

  This comment has not been verified!

• Kovie wrote on 16-01-2012

  Going through these questions just made me realize the depth of wisdom and insight God has blessed the panel with. Awesome work, keep it up!

• Felix Ibe wrote on 15-01-2012

  Can a sister be recommended to a brother who's still searching?

• Amaobi wrote on 15-11-2011

  I have a pertinent question that only a worthy answer can provide solution to. I am in my thirties and on the verge of choosing a life partner (wife).

  Please I need to be guarded on points to consider so I don’t make a regrettable mistake. Presently I have four close friends to choose from (3 working, 1 in her finals in the university). Please kindly use your office to advice. Thanks

• The Panel replied Amaobi on 2011-12-05

  Amaobi, answering your question with the detail you seem to require will take so long. You can read through this blog and you’ll find several answers to the issues you may be seeking answers to. What is more revealing from your question is that you seem to be afraid of making a regrettable mistake. Friend, marriage should not be approached carelessly, but neither should it be approached from the standpoint of fear. When you are afraid of making a mistake you will certainly make a mistake: either by rushing into making the wrong decision or you will be paralyzed into a state of inertia where you don’t move by faith in the right direction. Like Job, that which you “greatly fear” will come upon you (Job 3:25). If you are born again, then receiving guidance and direction from God are part of your covenant benefits and you should receive that by faith.

  Also determine the unchangeable things that are important to you in a choice of a spouse. It is taken for granted that you know that as a believer you shouldn’t even contemplate marrying an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). It is also important that the person believes like you do because you need to be in agreement on the issues that matter. Other factors are personal and you need to decide what is non-negotiable with you and what is not. You need to know what you desire because even though you can marry a believer, not every believer is suited to you. As you identify your desires, you will streamline your choice of a spouse. Most importantly, let the Spirit of God lead you.

• China wrote on 15-11-2011

  Dear pastor, thank you so much for your advice. My question goes like this: there is this brother in church, we attend the same family group and he always comes closer to me, visits me and takes me out but he doesn’t want to say anything. I also noticed that he is also doing the same thing to another sister in church but haven’t told her anything either, which happens to be my friend and she tells me everything he does which is similar to my own case, please what should we do and what is this guy up to please? Thank you.

• The Panel replied China on 2011-12-05

  China, though you can’t read a person’s mind, a lot can be inferred from their actions, like in this instance. What may be safely inferred from this brother’s actions is that he has some interest in you and/or your friend and he’s trying to make up his mind. The choice of a life partner is not one that should be approached with fear; it should still be approached thoughtfully with faith and brothers have to desist from “sampling”; it is not just decent. He should be expressing his “faith” in one place at a time.

  A sister should think before she accepts a proposal from a brother; in the same way, a brother should consider things about the sister he’s interested in before he proposes to her. That would require him knowing things about the person he’s developing interest in. This is probably why he came close to you, visited you and has even taken you out on dates. However, the fact that a brother meets a sister, visits and takes her out on dates is no reason for him to marry her, (or for her to marry him) because along the line he may find things that may make him change his mind. You need to understand that these are all part of the process involved in him coming to make his decision to propose.

  If in the process of getting to know a lady the brother thinks he doesn’t want to see her anymore, the proper thing expected of him is to do so with respect for the lady, telling her he’ll no longer be seeing her.

  Because of the potential nature of the relationship between them, a brother should not take too much time in coming to this decision while he is still hanging out and around a sister. This is emotionally dangerous for them both, particularly with the lady. If a brother is hanging around a sister for an undefined period of time, the sister, in order to protect herself should ask the brother what he’s up to: what he wants from her. This will either make the brother declare his intentions or back off. This is what should be done in this situation.

• P.N wrote on 03-11-2011

  This is not a comment, it’s not a question. it’s a problem that I seek solution to. it is a confession and I need God’s forgiveness and help. I am single and 29, I’ve always loved the Lord since my childhood days and we have a good relationship, but there is a bad habit in me that always put us apart, I’ve worked on dropping it and sometimes when I think that I have succeeded, I fall all over again, and sometimes I fall real flat.

  I am not bold enough to mention it in this confession, but if you listen to God he can tell you. please ask God to forgive me, I got a warning in my spirit not to do it again or I won’t be forgiven, but I went ahead, not I feel condemnation and dirty. please advise me on how to live above this weakness. LORD PLEASE ONE MORE TIME, FORGIVE ME.

• The Panel replied P.N on 2011-11-04

  Sorry, we cannot help if you are not clear. You can send an email to info@thecarpenterschurch.org with more details and then we can give you counsel.

• steph. wrote on 23-10-2011

  Good day Pastor,

  Thank you for this opportunity. God bless you for this and so many more seeds you’ve sown into my life. My question is this: How do you become intimate, (really affectionate) with your intended without committing sin? People usually say that I’m unemotional/unaffectionate. Really, it’s not that I am unemotional; it is just that I put up boundaries with guys so as not to fall into anything immoral or impure. Now I’m trying to be really affectionate in a way that my intended would not feel like he is just my friend but how do I know what to do and what not to do?

• The Panel replied steph. on 2011-11-04

  Steph, we want to commend your desire to do the right thing. So we would like you to know that as a child of God, immorality does not please God. Let’s refer immorality here to sex in any form. In fact, sex is only right “within marriage,” otherwise it is a sin. It does not matter what anyone says or how your “intended” feels. What God, your Father says is what is paramount and He says, your body is the temple of the living God and should only be used for His glory (1 Corinthians 6:19). Realize that God will only ask you to do something that He knows you have the ability to do. That means, you can cultivate a holy relationship that pleases God without sexual pressures in any guise.

  The question you may wish to answer for yourself is, “can you testify that your “intended” is a born again Christian and in a Bible believing Church? Does he plan to keep his own body for God and for you until you get married? You have to be sure that you both are on the same page before you begin to talk about doing it right. Remember, the Bible says,

  • 14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?
  2 Corinthians 6:14 (NKJV)

  We are not comfortable with your “intended” constantly saying you are not “emotional” or “affectionate.” Some men use the guise of emotion and affection to get you to “prove” your love for them. Do not buy that lie of trying to prove anything other than a genuine love and care for the one you intend to share your life. Even then, you have to be sure that he also wants to share his life with you. You have to be sure that you are not under any pressure to get married but are genuinely in love with him and he in love with you. If this is the case, there should not be any problem showing genuine love to your “intended” without the pressure to prove your love. Besides that, there is no one best way to run a Christian relationship. What you can do is to ensure everything is done with the right motive and after the precepts of the Word of God.

  The truth is that a relationship between two single Christians of the opposite sex that is not purely platonic (and even this is often difficult to sustain) should have a specified time frame for marriage outside of which it should be discontinued. So if he plans to marry you, he must let your pastor know about his intentions so that you can be properly guided. Failure to do this could either lead into sin, into trouble or into a lot of hurt and pain.

  We would like to encourage you to spend time together in activities that you both enjoy. Do not spend late hours in his or your place if you both live alone. Do not stay in compromising positions or environments that would encourage sexual intimacy. Above all, talk and let him know how you feel about the whole issue of affection or lack of affection and watch his reaction. Let there be a commitment on his part also to keep yourselves for God and for each other until you get married. That way, you will be each other’s accountability partner.

  Steph, we would encourage you to stay focused in your Christian walk and avoid distractions because some relationships can actually constitute distractions. Stay focused, looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of your faith.

  If your intended is the right one for you he will wait and do it God’s way.

• n.g wrote on 17-10-2011

  may God bless the carpenters church.

• douglas pepple wrote on 25-09-2011

  This is the most sincere and genuine relationship Q/A site I’ve ever seen. Congrats. I’m a 30 year old born again doctor. I met this girl in a new church I’m presently attending and fell in love with her personality and her talent (singing). She’s born again and from a pastor’s home. I promised her marriage and the parents know that we are in a relationship, but my family wants me to marry from my tribe. Secondly, she doesn’t meet my additional specifications of a wife that is tall and very tush. I’ve always and still desire these qualities. I love her though but I’m afraid that if I marry her I’ll still fancy tall elegant ladies which has always been my childhood obsession; and if I lose her I may not see a Christian girl as good as she is. Please counsel me.

• The Panel replied douglas pepple on 2011-11-04

  First of all, Douglas thank you for your kind compliment; it is much appreciated.

  The first issue raised in your question relates to the issue of tribe. You love this lady, but your family wants you to marry from your tribe. The issue of tribalism is a sensitive issue which unfortunately not everyone can properly deal with. The choice of who you marry and where you marry from does not belong to anyone including your parents or family members; it is exclusively your prerogative. You need to understand this. In as much as marriage brings families together, it is the man and the woman joined together who become one, not their families (Genesis 2:24). In fact, the man and woman leave their parents in order to cleave to each other. Understand that though people can give you advice, every counsel must be founded on the infallible Word of God, and not on the basis of their biases and personal prejudices. The Bible does not say that you must marry someone from your tribe. There is one Family and nation, a believer should take their spouse from and that is the Family of Faith (Galatians 6:10), the people of God (1 Peter 2:9). If you have made up your mind that this is the lady you want to marry, then you should let your parents know of your decision. With the right attitude, they may come around. Even if they don’t you can go ahead knowing you have God’s blessing.

  The other issue concerns her physical appearances. From the onset, it must be pointed out that a successful marriage is not only about physical appearances. While one may be attracted to a member of the opposite sex on the basis of how they look, a successful marriage is not founded on physical appearances neither is it sustained by them. To put beauty before character and other things that make for a successful marriage is like putting the cart before the horse: it is a marriage destined for the rocks. The Bible vividly describes how appalling a beautiful woman without character is (Proverbs 11:22).

  That being said, physical appearances do have their place. Different individuals desire different things in a member of the opposite sex they’d like to have as a spouse and those desires may not necessarily be sinful or lustful. If you have always wanted a lady who is tall and very tush (that is sophisticated) — and for reasons best known to you that is what you still desire, then why do you want to settle for someone who doesn’t have those physical qualities? The danger in a person (especially a man) marrying someone who is not quite up to what he wants is that he may keep on comparing his wife with other women or lusting after other women. Both are very pernicious paths injurious to all involved.

  If on the other hand, your desires are inordinate and lustful, then you need to renew your mind and cast down those imaginations. It could also be that your desires need to change, and get to love some other thing in her that is more important than the physical appearances. Good examples abound of how people have said they wouldn’t marry someone without certain physical qualities, but they ended up marrying someone without those qualities. Now, they can’t imagine being married to someone else! That is what happens when a person changes for the better. That is what may need to happen to you. At any rate, don’t get married with a feeling that you are “managing” the person. It would be very unfair of you to do so to any lady. You should also realize that you can find a Christian woman who has the physical qualities you want, and more importantly, who loves the Lord and has a lovely personality.

  From the tenor of your question, you seem to be in fear: The fear of not having what you’ve always desired and the fear of losing this lady you’ve found and whose character you are in love with. Neither of those fears are of God. Settle it in your heart what you want, and let the answers given here help you.

  In conclusion know that “charm can be deceptive and beauty doesn’t last, but a woman who fears and reverences God shall be greatly praised” (Proverbs 31:30). It is the inner beauty nurtured by godly reverence that matters and lasts.

• Augusta Joseph wrote on 15-08-2011

  i was in a relationship with a man,one year into the relationship, he started withdrawing himself, for 6months i tried to find out what the problem is, but he kept a false hope, deep inside of me, i knew there was a serious problem that made me question the possibility of a life time union, he is not a member of the church, but have also refused to see the pastors as instructed for reasons best known to him. when ever i threatened to leave the relationship, he opened his mouth to tell me the reasons that challenged his love for me.1) i had health challenges he cant deal with 2)the sexes in my family are more of female than male,3) i have become too short 4) and too slim. ahh, i reacted, but he said he was sorry, i did not believe his sorry lips, and you know what? he never came back, he has never called nor asked to see me. but at this time, i had made up my mind to face it. it's hard, real hard to take, please tell me what right action i should have taken, and what to do now.

• The Panel replied Augusta Joseph on 2011-08-19

  It’s a sad thing that happened to you. If he proposed marriage to you and you are member of TCC, by our policy you were expected to inform the pastors of your intention to accept his proposal. He would then have been invited for an appointment with your pastors. If you had spoken with your pastors about this, you would have been guided as to the proper step to take and most likely have been saved the pain you now feel. Notwithstanding, it is better he left when he did. If indeed you are a member of TCC, we recommend that you speak with any of the senior pastors for counseling.

  Different people have different things they are looking for in a spouse. It is good that a man knows what he’s looking for before he asks a lady to marry him; and it is important that a lady knows what she wants before she accepts a man’s marriage proposal. This is necessary to avoid changes once commitments have been made. The breakups resulting from this failure to know what they want produce a lot of hurts.

  Out of all the reasons he gave, the second to the fourth ones don’t hold water. You have nothing to do with the number of sexes in your family; you were short when he met you, and did not “become” short after he met you! Thinking that he was waiting for your height to increase is preposterous. The same thing applies to slimness. The only reason that hold ups is the fact that you have health challenges he can’t deal with. Interestingly, you were silent as to the nature of health challenges in issue.

  At the beginning, when a man and a woman agree to get married, they cannot possibly know all the things about each other; it is in the course of their relationship that important facts come up. Different people have different levels of threshold regarding things they can or cannot handle. Accordingly, matters of health differ from person to person. Therefore someone who cannot handle a health challenge the other person is facing and calls off the relationship for that reason should not be scolded for calling off the relationship. The truth is that before marriage, questions of a health nature HAVE to be raised, and the persons concerned need to be brutally honest with themselves especially if the challenge could pose problems in their future relationship. If any health issue (or any other issue for that matter) which a party cannot handle comes up, the proper thing is that the persons part ways without any hard feelings. However, the way it is presented is also important. If the man you are referring to presented this as the reason for why he couldn’t continue with the relationship, then his reason for calling off the relationship would be proper; but putting it with other reasons is not the right thing to have done.

  One cannot but empathize with the pain you feel especially in light of untenable reasons given for the breakup. The fact that he hasn’t called nor asked to see you is also telling. It shows he’s no longer interested in you. However, what has happened has happened, and there’s no point crying over spilt milk. You should forget about it and then trust the loving hands of the Father to lead someone who will love you for who you are and for what you are. More importantly, we would advise that you trust God for total healing of these health challenges (not because of marriage, for you can get married to a man who will love you in spite of whatever challenge you are facing and will walk with you into the fullness of your health), but because it is God’s will that you prosper and be in health and by the stripes of Jesus, healing is yours (3 John 2; 1 Peter 2:24).

• Tamka wrote on 27-06-2011

  Can one have a relationship with someone that goes to Jehovah witness with the mindset to convert the person to the undiluted Word of God??

• The Panel replied Tamka on 2011-08-18

  Let me start by asking you: Do you know the other person’s mindset? The issue here is not what church the person attends (even though that is equally an important factor in considering a lifelong commitment) what is of import is if the person is born again. You have already testified that the person is yet to be born again. Being a Jehovah’s Witness, does he/she know he/she ought to become a born again Christian? If not, will you have the peace of God waiting for this person to get born again, assuming that you have the power to convict/convert someone to Christ like the Holy Spirit does? Will you be running such a relationship while waiting for the person to get born again? Your answers to these questions will certainly be in the negative.

  Marriage works by mutual agreement and the platform for agreement exists only when both parties are born again. It is when both parties are born again that the Word of God can become their final authority answering all questions, resolving all issues, and dissolving all doubts. The Bible says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

  Fear is what usually gives birth to this sort of considerations and options. Recognize that God has not given you the spirit of fear; but of love, power and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Renew your mind by the Word of God and you will find out that Christianity is not a religion and should not be confused as such. You will find out that evil communication corrupts good character (1 Corinthians 15:33), and so instead of you “converting” the person you may end up being converted to his religion.

  The fact that someone is “good” and “morally upright” does not warrant such considerations because the Bible says that self-righteousness is like filthy rags before God (Isaiah 64:6). Will a man with his eyes open take a filthy rag and place it on his bosom? Consider it yourself!

• Benjamin wrote on 22-06-2011

  I want to ask if every believer has a person God has specially prepared for them in marriage or are we all free to love and marry any person we desire?

• The Panel replied Benjamin on 2011-08-18

  This is an interesting question. God has provided the guidelines through which a believer can choose a spouse and accept a spouse. There is no one person for you in the sense that if you don’t marry that person, you have missed God’s choice for you. The only Scriptural injunction regarding the choice of a mate for a believer, is that he or she must marry “in the Lord”(1 Corinthians 7:39), that is a fellow believer. The reason for this is because light and darkness have nothing in common (2 Corinthians 6:14). Another reason why a believer should marry a believer is for the purpose of agreement. Two cannot walk together except they are in agreement (Amos 3:3). As believers, the Word of God is our final authority upon which we agree, and it should answer all questions, resolve all issues, and dissolve all doubts. You should marry someone who believes the same things from the Word of God as you: the baptism of the Holy Spirit, healing, prosperity etc. They should not only believe in the truths upon which these things are founded, they must also embrace the principles that make these truths an experience in day to day living. If they don’t see these things at the moment, they must at least be teachable and submissive to God’s Word.

  Since the Bible is silent on other issues bordering on the choice of a mate, those issues have to be dealt on an individual basis, that is, based upon God’s specific leading and dealing with the individual, as well as the individual’s desires, tastes, preferences and understanding of God’s purpose for their lives. It is a wrong for someone to take a personal dealing of God with them and apply it across-the-board.

  There will be more than one person who will fit the picture of what you desire. This means that if you are so strongly convinced that a person is your spouse, but the person didn’t accept you, or your relationship with them didn’t end up in marriage, there will always be someone else with who can a successful marriage with. This is a liberating truth that needs to be settled in your heart.

  In order to find a mate you must be guided to “find” them (Proverbs 18:22). In order to find, you must seek, and in order to seek, you must know who you are seeking or looking for. This means that you should have some guideposts based on your desires, tastes, preferences and your understanding of God’s purpose for your life as you currently understand it. These are things that will help you narrow down who you are looking for. However, you should give some room for flexibility and be malleable to change especially if God seems to be nudging your heart in a direction different from where you heart may be set at the moment. The Bible says that “a man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps” (Proverbs 16:9). God will lead you.

• jennifer wrote on 19-06-2011

  Is it acceptable or right for a lady to spend sometime staying with her fiance in his house for days or a week as a visit. both of us are believers. pls reply fast I need to know what to do. thanks

• The Panel replied jennifer on 2011-08-18

  It is certainly not acceptable for a lady to spend some staying with her fiance (and vice-versa) in his house for days or a week as a visit. What is important here is staying there for days i.e. sleeping over etc. Certainly there is nothing wrong with couples in a relationship visiting with each other; actually they should, but such visits should be with caution. If both of you are alone in a place precautions should be put in place so that you don’t fall into sexual temptation. Such precautions include keeping the doors and windows up. In addition, you should not keep unnecessarily late night visits. Even though sex does not occur only at night, the reduced flow of visitors at nighttime may make one more susceptible to sexual temptations.

  Understand also that men and women go into relationships because they love each other. This means that their bodies are attracted to each other. If you stay long hours with someone you love but are not married to, you may be setting up yourself up for temptation. In this case you are not fleeing youthful lusts, and abstaining the appearance of evil as the Bible enjoins (2 Timothy 2:22; 1 Thessalonians 5:22), you are actually embracing it. If you think you can handle such, then you are telling God who gave this commandment that you are stronger and wiser than Him. The other thing to consider is that when you sleep under the same roof without being married, or when you keep careless visits, you make the way of truth evil spoken of (2 Peter 2:2). Your testimony is slandered and the name of Christianity becomes reproached. We must strive to provide things that are honest in the sight of God and men (2 Corinthians 8:21), knowing that men look at the outward appearance (1 Samuel 16:7), and will judge us on the basis of what they see.

• Benice Eze Ohia wrote on 18-06-2011

  Dear Team, I’m a 27 yr old woman in a relationship with a guy of 31, before we went into a relationship and decided to marry we both prayed to God and asked for revelations and confirmations from God if we were meant to be. And we both had our confirmations at different occasions. Now the problem is with his family they have labeled me with different names and said different things ranging from that fact that I will not have respect, they see us breaking up in the future, I have a hole in my womb and therefore cannot bear children to a them seeing a future of darkness and misery, these they said different pastors, prophets have told them. I see and I know this to be a conspiracy cause his dad and family have never wanted him to marry outside his community not to talk of tribe. He is now confused according to him and turned between his family and I and acts funny towards at times. Most times I tell him we should just go our separate ways for the sake of peace and he begs and says I should give him and them time that they will turn around but he doesn’t even know when. All these things they have said concerning me of course it’s not true because my Bible tells me differently and nothing is more sure than The Word of God. I have been invited by His family to come and I don’t know what for. I’m tired of all there negative talks, conspiracy and hate just because I’m from another tribe. I’m so confused that sometimes I want to walk away and I ask myself so many questions Why did I allow myself go into this relationship? Why did he confirm to me when all I’m getting from my prospective in laws I hate. Please I need advice, I need answers. Thank you

• The Panel replied Benice Eze Ohia on 2011-08-23

  Benice, your question raises the issue of tribalism. This is a sensitive issue which unfortunately not everyone can properly handle. We live in a tribally charged society, and these issues of prejudices and biases will keep on coming up.

  The Bible does not say that you must marry someone from your tribe: those are the commandments and traditions of men. There is one Family and nation, a believer should take their spouse from and that is the Family of Faith (Galatians 6:10), the people of God (1 Peter 2:9). An individual may tilt towards one or more tribes than other tribes, but that should not be their primary consideration.

  Having said that, realize that in this case, the decision is the man’s. It is the man who gestures towards a lady and asks for her hand in marriage. It is for the lady to accept. If he asked for your hand in marriage and then the issue of your tribe becomes a cause for concern for his parents, the decision is still his, not his parents. If his parents have cogent concerns about some tribes (which you may come from), and he is considering them, then he may not want to turn a blind eye to those concerns raised. That is why he may be taking his time. But in the final analysis, the decision is still his. One would expect that a man who is grounded in the Word and understands what it means to be a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), will not yield to pressure of any kind mounted on him to do things in any way other than the Word says they should be done. But whether or not his reason is right or wrong, it is still his decision.

  Now, if he had genuine “revelations” and “confirmations” from God before going into the relationship, then he should stand his ground. The fact that these issues are coming up does not mean that his “revelations” and “confirmations” were not of God as things that are of God are often tested and tried. If these “revelations” and “confirmations” originate in God, then he should stand by that persuasion and his parents and family people will come around. Testimonies abound of parents and family changing their minds after they have said all sorts of things. However, whether or not they change their minds is not the issue. The issue here is the ability to know what he wants to do, and stand by it. If you are no longer interested in the relationship, you also reserve the right to say you are no longer interested irrespective of your initial “revelation” or “confirmation.” God will always provide someone else for you.

  Don’t allow yourself to be bothered about what his family people have said concerning you. You know the truth of God’s Word, and it is the truth you know and walk in that sets you free (John 8:32).

  We would also ask that you seek counsel from your pastor.

• P. U wrote on 15-06-2011

  Please I noticed that for the past one year or thereabout only married men have been seeking for a relationship with me, even to the extent of proposing to me, and of course I refuse and reject them because I’m a Christian. But my concern is why only married men? Is there something wrong somewhere? Not even one single man, and I’m still young. It’s been bothering me lately because I’m ready for marriage. Thanks

• The Panel replied P. U on 2011-06-22

  You may or may not be doing something wrong. There are times a lady attracts the attention of both married and single men because she is loose, but it is not always the case. Some men are just lecherous and they’ll go after any female. There are cases where the lady is doing nothing wrong; it’s the men who are being used as a means of temptation. A good example would be Potiphar’s wife who made advances at Joseph [Genesis 39]. She made the advances to Joseph, who refused and ultimately had to flee. So don’t apportion blame to yourself especially if you are not passing the wrong messages, which result in advances from men. Even if you don’t go looking after temptation, temptations may come looking after you. This might very well be the case here.

  As you stand in faith and refuse to yield to temptation, the man who will love you and share the same principles of God’s Word upon which your own resolve is founded will find his way to you and you’ll recognize him. Up until then, stand steadfast on your desire to get married to a believer and one that respects God’s principles. That resolve is faith. And faith and fear don’t function at the same time. Actually, there is no reason for fear, and so don’t entertain it. When a person becomes afraid, they may very well end up doing things they said they would never do. Affirm in your heart, “There is no fear here!”

• Mary wrote on 16-04-2011

  My fiance left me for my best friend, though God has helped me overcome the hurt but something still bothers me... before he left he made me have quarrels which he then capitalized on. I attempted reconciliations but he refused and only said so many negative things about me to his people. Now I found out he is with my friend and that was the major reason he left, he is still hiding it from me anyway. I feel like telling him I know and he should have peacefully gone rather than making me go through so much pains and spoiling my image.

• The Panel replied Mary on 2011-08-23

  You do not sound like someone who has overcome the hurt. You are still feeling hurt because of the circumstances that led to the break-up and the involvement of your friend in the whole saga. This is quite understood, but you have to drop it. You have to forgive and let go of the hurt in order to experience the freedom that Christ has given you in all things.

  You do not have to tell him anything; it is over and that is it. It is part of the hurt self that is itching for some sort of explanation, justification and vindication, but it is unnecessary. God is the one who justifies so trust Him to vindicate you in the eyes of all those concerned. The truth is you must know that it is not every Christian relationship that would end up in marriage. At times like this, if you don’t handle a broken relationship well, by feeling “used and dumped,” it might give room for bitterness and unforgiveness to come in and take root, which can be subtly sensed in your case. That could act as a veil to God’s purpose for your life. This should not be so because bitterness and unforgiveness are cancers that eat you up fast until they kill you. The Word of God declares that, “He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). God tells you, to cast “...all your care upon Him; for He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

  This is the good news! At times like this, the grace of God is available for you. All you have to do is go to the throne of grace and obtain the grace and the mercy you need to help at this time of need (Hebrews 4:16).

  No matter what, don’t let your feelings pressure you into malice with the man or your friend. Forgive them knowing that your life is not dependent on any man, rather move on trusting that God will send you your BOAZ, a man after God’s heart.

• Audience wrote on 12-04-2011

  Please can you give us scriptural examples of couples and how they helped each other to fulfill their purpose and destiny?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2011-04-13

  Let me start by saying that there is no need to search the Bible for examples of couples who helped each other fulfill their destinies because from the beginning the Bible refers to the wife as a "help meet" for the man. The wife is meant to submit to the husband while he is to love her as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her. If you submit to your husband and he loves you as Christ loved the Church as God intended it to be, then there would not be any issues about helping one another fulfill their God-given purpose and destiny as long as they are "God-given."

  In Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, the Bible says, "Two are better than one" and goes on to liken the marriage union to a "threefold cord" which cannot be easily broken. You must realize that marriage does not exonerate you from your purpose in life, rather your coming together is meant to help you achieve your individual as well as collective goals more efficiently instead of truncating them.

• Audience wrote on 12-04-2011

  If you have been hurt by someone you have loved badly, would it help you heal if you blank them or the person? After all, the person was drawing you away from God and you finally broke away, should you blank or restore a friendship with that kind of a person?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2011-04-12

  I would like to assure you that you did the right thing by breaking away. Like you rightly said, the person was "drawing you away from God and you finally broke away." Now the Bible says if your right hand causes you to sin you should cut it off (Matthew 5:30). Of course that scripture is not talking about physically cutting off your right hand but it is apt in a case like this. I would also like to draw on the law of international relations which Pastor Charles often uses, it says, there are "no permanent friends, no permanent enemies but permanent interest." So once your interest is in doubt as in this case, then withdrawal is the wise thing to do.

  The truth is that "blanking" the person like you said is not the solution, rather surrendering the hurt to the Healer, your Father, the one who mends the broken hearted is the way out. You must know that it is not every Christian relationship that would end up in marriage. Many times, if you don't handle broken relationship well, by feeling "used and dumped," it might give room for bitterness and un-forgiveness to come in and take root, which is what I am sensing in your case. That could act as a veil to God's purpose for your life. This should not be so because bitterness and un-forgiveness are like cancer that eats you up fast until it kills you. The Word of God declares that,

  • 3 He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.
  Psalms 147:3 (NKJ)
  • 7 Casting all your care upon Him; for He cares for you.
  1 Peter 5:7 (NKJ)
  • 16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
  Hebrews 4:16 (KJV)

  This is the Good News! At times like this, the grace of God is available for you. All you have to do is go to the throne of grace to obtain the Grace and the Mercy you need to help at this time of need. No matter what, don't let your feelings pressure you into malice with the man, forgive him knowing that your life is not dependent on any man and move on trusting that God will send you your man.

• Elera Okpabi wrote on 14-03-2011

  Thanks to Pastors for bringing this gathering. God bless u. Is it good for one to still continue with a relationship dat have been with disappointment as in calling the woman's family to wait that they are coming to do the traditions & they did not come for three (3) times. Secondary If the man's family love & cherish the woman at first time & later, they change & begin to have some hatred on the woman. Why is it so & what is the curse? Is it good for the woman to face only the man that is married her & forget the man's family after many challenges.

• The Panel replied Elera Okpabi on 2011-04-07

  You will be in a better position to know the reasons why he continuously disappointed you and your family. On the whole, I know that a man who cannot respect your time or your family does not respect you. He is probably acting out the dictates of his own family and that shows that he does not have a mind of his own. I would like to also point out that this attitude might show up in a lot of other areas should you continue with him and by that time, it would already be late.

  You must also know that you cannot "face only the man" necessarily neither can you marry anyone without the approval of their family except under special circumstances where you are operating in the counsel and the directives of your Pastor and so of God. Before deciding to go through it all with the man alone, you have to be sure "He has your back covered" so you don't live in regret afterwards.

• Grace wrote on 04-03-2011

  pls how long is a suitor permited to woo a lady before another suitor can be granted access to the same lady assuming she rejects the first suitor's proposal?

• The Panel replied Grace on 2011-04-07

  Such issues are treated on a case-by-case basis, as boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are not allowed. The basic thing is that before any suitor in The Carpenter's Church proposes to a lady, the Pastors must be in the know. So if they give their go ahead to the suitor at any point, then it is considered legitimate.

• chidozie wrote on 28-02-2011

  good work pastors u av been a blessing to our lives

• Gabby wrote on 21-02-2011

  Tnk God 4 this forum and may it grow in Grace n Strength. MY Questn:1)Is it right to marry a man that has a child or a Divorcee? 2)When a person from a broken home(proposed in marriage) is been rejected by the future in-laws(Guy's parents n sibling) cos of her family back ground( saying that she will do what the parents did).? My tots:Am not saying it wrong but my challenge is dis; am from a broken home.My present mom( i tnk God so mch 4 her) is not my mother. coming from such, it like you reliving ur past. Its not the fault of any child from a broken home. so y do they atimes bear the ill of the parents in marriage. Just the tot,makes me weak to my bones.

• The Panel replied Gabby on 2011-04-07

  I would like for you to know that divorce is not the best option at all in resolving marital disputes irrespective of what the source of the dispute may be; but it is not the "unpardonable sin" either. Therefore, if a man is a legitimately divorced Christian man and desires to remarry, there is nothing wrong with that if the lady also accepts his marriage proposal. Also, if you accept to marry the man you should count the costs, which include being a wife to him and a mother to his child or children as the case may be.

  We would prefer to deal with such situations when we have full disclosure. However, being from a "broken home" is not hereditary and besides, there is no legitimate reason why anybody should be subjected to any mishaps because he or she came from a broken home as long as that individual is born again and renews his or her mind by the unfailing Word of God.

• Raphael wrote on 06-02-2011

  Please My Pastors, I have been in a relationship with a sister that is not resident in Port harcourt but in Lagos and she works there and runs her Masters programme there which involves her saturdays. We have both agreed to get married and has made our parents know about our marriage plans. Please, how do we go about the marraige serminar/classes considering the fact that she resides in lagos, more so we have by God`s grace agreed and are working on having our traditional marrige this April,2011. Thank you sir, Best regards Raphael

• The Panel replied Raphael on 2011-04-07

  You must make appointment and talk with the Pastors immediately to get this sorted out because you do not sound as if they are aware of your relationship in the first place. If they did, this would not have been the forum for you to air this concern. It would have been handled when you came to clock in the relationship. I would however like to say that long distance relationships are usually not without undue pressures on those involved and on the relationship in the long run. Please see the Pastors.

• Tamka wrote on 02-02-2011

  My question goes like this.. Can one have a sister friend in church or outside with out any strings attached sincerely??? Thanks

• The Panel replied Tamka on 2011-04-07

  NO. A relationship between two single Christians of opposite sex that is purely platonic is very difficult to manage. Many times unsolicited strings develop along the line and may lead into unplanned emotional involvement and diverse levels of misunderstanding, hurt and pain between the two individuals and even the onlooker.

  Paul says, he can eat meat sacrificed to idols but if it will cause a brother who is weak to fall then he will abstain so that the death of Christ will not be in vain. (1Corinthians 8:9-13).

• blessing d wrote on 29-12-2010

  Can I marry someone that always asks me for financial help, but he doesn't assist me in anyway.

• The Panel replied blessing d on 2011-08-23

  One of the ways to know true love – the God-kind of love, is to look at the features of agape love enumerated in 1 Corinthians 13. One of these features is that it is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:5). Someone motivated and led by the God-kind of love will always put the interests of others before its own. We want to assume that this is a relationship with marriage in view, that is, both of you have already agreed to marry.

  Ordinarily, there is nothing wrong if a man asks for financial assistance from his fiancee. However, it would appear better (especially for the man) if the lady offers the money. In a true relationship where love holds sway, the individuals would want to outdo one another in love. The primary manifestation of love is giving (John 3:16), and that sacrificially. True love gives money, time and whatsoever is available. If your fiance has need of financial assistance, and you see that need, and you are able to fulfill it, you would normally want to do so. But where there is a problem is if he is consistently asking and if he doesn’t help you in any way he can. If he is always asking that shows that he most likely has a money problem. He hasn’t renewed his thinking to see that God is his source. Every believer irrespective of their financial condition needs to understand this. He has failed to see that it is more blessed to give than to receive. If he really loves you, he would want to help you in any way possible.

  Also, in a marriage relationship, true love reciprocates. If you are always on the giving-end and nothing ever comes back to you from the one you are giving to, then gradually disappointment will set in, because the joys of love are experienced when love given is returned back.

  On the basis of this you may not want to continue with this man who appears to be selfish.

• C.O wrote on 27-12-2010

  I think you are doing a fab job,thanks so much and God bless you all. My question is "Is it wise as a young xtian lady to consider getting into a marriage bound relationship with someone who is less spiritually mature (new to the faith) Every christian lady's dream is a husband she can look up to or at least sideways at:) spiritually. Are new xtians a complete no -no? what do you think?

• O.H wrote on 19-12-2010

  this forum is very encouraging.my friend a believer proposed to me august and l said yes september(his birthday)we agreed to get married after 3months in court but l also want to go through d marriage counselling even if we are not having a white wedding but he just wants a church blessing.his excuse is we'll not have time because of our jobs.l work in Bonny island monday to saturday and he works in P.H monday to sunday.how can we go through with d counselling?

• The Panel replied O.H on 2010-12-22

  Assuming you are a member of TCC, the next step will be for you to create time to come into the Church office to see an Assistant Pastor to discuss your marriage and how we can help you as a church. Thank you.

• ELIZABETH TIMOTHY wrote on 19-12-2010

  Sistaz and Suitors Q&A Blog has just taught me the real way of life to live on. I thank God for giving my beloved pastors this vision.

• Daiyi Macarthy wrote on 09-12-2010

  This is wonderful! l thank God for dropping the concept of the "sistaz and suitors" into the hearts of our pastors.As l read your responses to the questions raised, l can't help but marvel at the profundity of wisdom, understanding,love, tact and firmness with which you handle the questions. l must confess, am proud to be associated and identified with TCC.

• D.O wrote on 10-11-2010

  Am 32yrs old, and in a relationship with a girl who is 21 years old. I have known her for over a year but our relationship started about 2 months ago. She confessed to me recently that she has been in a relationship with an unbeliever and that they had fornicated severally. She promised to sever all ties with the guy. I still love her and want to help her walk in victory. What should I do about the relationship and how can I be of help to her?

• The Panel replied D.O on 2010-11-26

  It is commendable that she “confessed” to you. However, we hope that the basis for her making the promise to sever all ties with the unbeliever was borne out of a respect of God's Word and a commitment to obeying Him and not out of fear of losing her relationship with you, which would be totally wrong. It is also implied that this “relationship” with the unbeliever was recent or even ongoing at the time of your own relationship.

  Her actions reveal her state of mind and her level in her Christian walk which is tantamount to that of a babe in Christ or carnal Christian. The help that babes in Christ or carnal Christians require is to be fed the sincere milk of God's Word whereby they need to grow and not a relationship for marriage for they are not equipped for it.

  In this case, what you can do is “step aside” and tell her you need time to let her become grounded and rooted in her walk with God in Christ Jesus. In that time, you would also need to assess the future you both may have together as you still “love” her. We suggest severing ties with her for the next six months so she can focus on Jesus and grow her faith. You cannot become Jesus for her. She needs to locate a Bible Believing Church to begin to attend, where she can be fed God's undiluted Word necessary for her growth. If you are still interested in her after this period and she is still available then you can then institute another relationship with her.

• EBI wrote on 08-11-2010

  I first want to thank God for the good thing he is doing through your church.i have a friend that just ask my hand in marriage. we have know eash other for a longtime.he is a born again now the issue of sex befor marriage have been ruled out. but lately i notice he has gone back to smoking that he use to do befor he became born again and he dosnt go to church as he use to.am confuse cos he use to be a vary strong beliver. i dont know if i should call off the relationship cos we have fix a date for d traditional marriage.please i need ur ugent reply.

• The Panel replied EBI on 2010-11-10

  You are not confused, you just need courage. Definitely you should at least postpone any commitments in form of a traditional or white or court wedding. You need to follow your heart and be sure of his basic commitment to Christ and walking with the Word or else you could be signing up for a nightmare of a life with him. Dates can be moved or cancelled completely. You should seek counsel from godly Pastors.

• timi wrote on 08-11-2010

  Hi MY FRIEND JUST ASK ME TO MARRY HIM HE IS A MEMBER OF ANOTHER CHURCH. AND WE HAVE GONE TO SEE OUR FAMILIES.AND HAVE FIX A DATE FOR THE INTRODUTION.WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IF I SHOULD SEE THE PASTORS FIRST B4 THE INTRODUCTION OR AFTER THE INTRODUCTION AND IF WE CAN GO THROUGH CANCELING B4 THE TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE.PLS I NEED UR REPLY UGENTLY.TANX.

• The Panel replied timi on 2010-11-10

  If you are a member of TCC, then kindly book an appointment to see any of the Assistant Pastors immediately so you can be well guided.

  The Handbook available on this website at this link is quite clear on the procedures to follow so we can help you plan for this new phase of your life.

• lee wrote on 30-09-2010

  I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP NOW AND RECENTLY MY MUM HAD A DREAM. IN HER DREAM SHE SAW A GIRL AND THE GIRL TOLD HER SHE IS GETTING MARRIED TO THE GUY I AM DATING. IN MY DREAM MY MUM TOLD ME THE GIRL SAID SHE HAS BEEN DATING THE GUY SINCE............I DON'T NO IF IT IS A SIGN TO LEAVE THE GUY

• The Panel replied lee on 2010-11-26

  Dear Lee,

  We would like to know if you have officially notified your Church about your relationship with the guy in question, as the Church would be in a better position to counsel you on how to freely run your relationship according to the precepts of God. Has the guy proposed marriage to you? (We would like to let you know that there are even some Christian relationships that don't end up in marriage). You must bear that in mind.

  Now, can you testify that this guy is a born again Christian and in a Bible believing Church? Do you have the peace of God while in the relationship or is there an element of fear? Fear is the opposite of faith and it torments. If there is fear in any guise, then you must be ready to do away with fear by first of all acting in faith upon God's Word.

  The next issue is, “Are you running this relationship according to the precepts of God?” If you are uncertain about the answers to any of these questions, then you must talk with your Pastor for further counsel. The Bible says,

  14 Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

  2 Corinthians 6:14(NKJV)

  Concerning the issue of your mothers dream, we want you to realise that the only power that any dream can have in your life is the power that you permit it to have. Having said that; we want you to know that as a child of God, the devil will always see you as a target. So he will device any means possible to distract you from God's dream and purpose for your life. This is not to say that God cannot talk to you through dreams. He even says you should dream your wildest dream but He is able to do far above what you can dream or imagine. Therefore, the determining factor in believing a dream is to weigh it by the Word of God. If that dream does not line up with the Word of God, it is not from God. Pray and cancel it and forget it, don't be troubled by it. Just speak and act God's promises for you — which are His dream for your life.

  However, if your relationship is not conforming to the Word of God as discussed above, then your mother's dream may truly be a sign that you need to walk away from that relationship while you still can.

• Benjamin wrote on 20-09-2010

  hey! thanks for the knowledge that is has been made available through this forum.. my question is that since i left Port Harcourt for my youth service in Lagos, i have not found any church that teaches the word as the carpenters church. I have been moving around and am tired of going from one church to another. Can u please help suggest possible churches i can attended here in Lagos? pleases note: i was yet to becoming a bonafide member of TCC before i left Port Harcourt. Thanks for your understanding.

• The Panel replied Benjamin on 2010-09-24

  Dear Benjamin, Thanks for your question. Please send it as an email to info@thecarpenterschurch.org and we would be glad to send a reply to your email address with some church names and addresses. Also mention which part of Lagos you live in. Thanks.

• MIMI wrote on 10-09-2010

  if God allows us to choose whom to marry, is it okay for one to get marry to a church goer, even when you know that the person is not saved. i have been in a spot where it looks like only the unbelieving guys are around,what should one do when all the guys that actually shows interest are those who are not saved.

• paul wrote on 03-09-2010

  Is it wrong for a young guy of 24 to have a girlfriend not necessarily for sex but for companionship

• The Panel replied paul on 2010-09-08

  Paul, the relationship of man and a lady is a delicate one and could be very fragile, if things are not handled properly. Emotions and feelings can easily develop, and with these come the desire to express such intimacy through physical affection and sex. It is for reasons like these that the relationship of a young man and a lady be defined.

  Saying you want to have a relationship for companionship and not “necessarily for sex” is quite confusing and muddled up, not because one cannot have a relationship at this age just for companionship without a target for marriage in mind. You are 24, are you ready to be married in the near future?

  God created one man to have companionship with one woman. That relationship we know to be marriage and it is out this companionship that pure sex comes (See Genesis 2:18-25). This explains why it is not strange for a man and woman who enjoy one another's company to desire to take it higher and deeper through sharing their bodies with one another. You may know of Christians who fell into sexual sin with a “friend” of the opposite sex and said they didn't plan to do it. They may not have deliberately planned it, but they gradually set up their feelings and emotions through companionship to the point that they allowed themselves to lose control and fell into sin. Because of this potential peril you should steer clear such undefined companionships with a lady. If you really love someone with the love of God, you will not set them up to be hurt; and when you have sex outside of marriage it comes with a lot of emotional hurt and regrets. And if you love yourself with the love of God you will not set yourself to be hurt this way.

  The reason why a man should have a close relationship with a woman is for the purpose of marriage. That is there would have been a marriage proposal from the man to the lady and the lady would have accepted the proposal. When you are ready for marriage then you can work towards developing such a relationship with a lady, as God leads you. But until then, let your contacts with the opposite sex be without any commitments. You will certainly find some you would prefer to others, and some you may be attracted to, but attraction is not love. Learn to be a gentleman; be courteous and polite towards ladies. Also use the time to learn all you can about how to treat a lady. Then when you are certain you are ready to get married you will be properly equipped and will have the maturity to make the commitment. A relationship works because the people involved commit to it. Then it will be a serious relationship with marriage in view and not a “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship which has an air of unseriousness to it. Then you will court for a period of time, and that period of courtship will be companionship - getting to know each other better (not each other's bodies), till you are married and then you can have sex as part of the marriage relationship.

• OJORE AMADI-EMINA wrote on 26-07-2010

  If a 23yrs old girl loves a 35yrs old guy and the 35yrs man also loves her very much, and seeing that the girl has a mature mind and attitude, can't they get married?

• The Panel replied OJORE AMADI-EMINA on 2010-09-08

  The issue of age in marriage is one that comes up regularly. Basically there are no hard and fast rules. However, there are some cases which require careful consideration: when the lady is older than the man; and where the lady is much younger than the man like in your question where the man is 12 years older than the lady. These issues are personal. There are men who would not want to marry someone older than them; while there are ladies who would not want to marry someone who they are much younger than. All these are personal and the reasons in most cases are individual and should be treated as such. There is no Biblical doctrine on this issue and as such a Scriptural position cannot be taken. What should be kept in mind is that the relationship between the man and the lady be free from hindering factors. The issue of age difference could be one of those things, for instance, if the man sees the lady as his kid or baby sister, or if the lady sees the man as her big brother. If they can treat one another as equals in a relationship and can understand, accommodate and handle the differences that are bound to exist due to the age gap between them, then they can get married.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 14 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  When do one know when God is speaking, when a man has proposed to you, having prayed for a month and not getting an answer from God.

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  God is a speaking God. It doesn't take God that long to answer! God speaks but you must hear, and recognize His voice. For you to hear God, you must be tuned to God's frequency. You must look for your answer on the frequency God is transmitting His answer to you. As long as your heart is yielded to God, you'll perceive God's leading and His voice. God's leading is rarely spectacular. Therefore, if you expect God to speak into your ears in a loud and booming sound, you stand the risk of being misled. God's voice is best heard when the heart is hushed, when the clanging and cluttering sounds that dull or make God's voice altogether unheard is stilled. It is in quietness that you can hear God. When you get your heart still before, you will know what He has made known unto you [Psalm 46:10].

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 13 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  How do you see revealing my past life to my fiancée before wedding?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  It is important that a fiancée (or fiancé) be aware of their partner's past life before they get married, especially if the past life was fraught with unwholesome events. This is often the problem with many believers because they have been taught that they are new creations in Christ, and rightly so [2 Corinthians 5:17]. The reality of the new creation should be a reality to everyone who is a new creation in Christ Jesus. Howbeit, when you go into a relationship, it is not only you and it is not only about you. If your life before you became a believer, or even after you became a believer was filled with wanton activities, then you owe it to your partner to let them know. Then let it be their call to say that they will stay with you because of the revelation they have. But they have to be given that option. That does not remove anything from the fact that you are a new creation. If you cannot open up and tell your fiancé/fiancée of the things you were involved in, then you are operating in fear. There is no fear in love [1 John 4:18].

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 12 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  I am a lady of about 25 years. Nobody has approached me for marriage. Did God create anybody to be a celibate?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  Celibacy is an unmarried state, or a single life. There are those who have chosen to remain unmarried especially for the cause of the gospel. If you have chosen the way of celibacy upon you, you'd know it and you would not desire marriage. So if you have a desire to get married, then you are not a celibate! You shouldn't be worried or afraid that at your age no one has approached you for marriage. What you should be interested in is getting married to the right person. It is actually one person – the right person you need to approach you for marriage. There is no reward for being approached by many men, and not get married to the right one. The fact that many men approach a lady does not mean that she'll marry one of them because they may not be the right one for her.

  It is important that you get in faith on this matter. Believe God that the right man will find you, and you will have the discernment to recognize him and accept him. Pray in faith and rest on the fact that God will order the steps of the right one to you. When you pray in faith, God promises that His peace will come in and keep your heart and mind [Philippians 4:6-7]. That means that the matter is settled. That means that there is no need to worry or to fret.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 11 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  It amaze me when we say only brother does the approach and the sister remains idle. I have seeing series 7 occasions where sister initiate the relationship and the marriages is done with several children.

  Question: is this bad? Why only brother should be encouraged for the approach? Note: consider this generation spirit. Also, Africa point of view.

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  The responsibility of initiation and aggression in the relationship between a man and a woman is saddled upon the man. It is the man who decides to leave father and mother in order to be with a woman [Genesis 2:24]. It is also a man who finds a wife [Proverbs 18:22]. The Bible is replete with examples in this regard. It is an aberration of the divine order for a woman to take the bull by the horns and go after a man. It is not even lady-like. It is totally tasteless and altogether graceless. This may not sound contemporary, but it is Christian. Many ladies fail to see that even naturally, God has placed a lot of honour upon them. God states that a man should honour His wife [1 Peter 3:7]. That honour begins when a man who has decided to leave father and mother motions towards a lady. It shows that she is wanted and admired. Hopefully, it will continue throughout their relationship.

  In addition, a decent man won't like it if a woman initiates a relationship. Some men may take advantage of such advances by a lady towards them because they may interpret it as a sign of desperation on the part of the lady.

  Your examples do not validate the impropriety of a woman initiating a relationship with a man. The fact that these couples are married with several children does not make their marriages successful! And the fact that the marriages are successful does not validate that the ladies were right in initiating the relationship. Their experiences do not nullify the Word of God that states that a man leaves father and mother to cleave to the woman. The end does not justify the means!

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 10 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  In a situation whereby getting busy has caused a lot of problems in a marriage or a relationship (what can someone do to solve this?)

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  This Question is not clear. You may need to send it in again and be more specific. Thanks.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 9 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  I am a young lady. When I was young about 9 years old I used to have sex for fun with young boys without knowing it is evil. I never shed blood from my vaginal. As I grow up, I stopped it when I realized what I was doing is evil, am I still a virgin?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  Speaking from a medical and physical standpoint, whether or not you are still a virgin will depend on the extent to which your body was developed and the extent to which you had this “fun sex” with young boys.

  What is most important to God is that you are a new creation in Christ Jesus. If you are, then God has restored to you the spirit of your virginity – whether or not your hymen is intact. A true virgin is one who is pure in body and mind. Many who are physically virgins are not pure in mind because their minds have been exposed to all sorts of sexually illicit things. In Christ Jesus, the spirit of your virginity is most important to God. If body wise you are still a virgin that is good. But whether or not you are physically a virgin, the spirit of your virginity is available to you. That will make you pure in mind and ultimately in body. Endeavour to keep your mind pure and keep your body for your husband.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 8 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  Is it normal for a lady in courtship to see her ex-boy?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  By “ex-boy,” you mean her former fiancé or boyfriend. As a general rule, it is not good for her to see him. Even if lady isn't in a new relationship at the moment, it is still not good. There is everything wrong with her seeing him. (The same applies to men.)

  When a relationship comes to an end, the parties involved need to move on with their lives. In order to do this, they need to leave their unwanted past behind. Certainly, their relationship is part of their unwanted past because if they still wanted it, they would still be together. Certainly, there must have been something(s) that made their parting ways inevitable. In order to leave the past behind them, they should not see those they parted ways with, if not they will be bringing the past into the future and the backlashes could be grave.

  In addition, every partner in a relationship needs to be confident and trust their other partner. When one partner sees someone else with whom they were formerly in a relationship, they may be sowing seeds of doubt, and uncertainty in the minds of their present partner about the genuineness of their love to their partner and their commitment to the relationship. It is not enough to say that there is nothing involved; the actions must line up with the words. Actions of this sort are traitors of trust. And trust is at the foundation of any relationship. Betray trust and you erode the foundation of the relationship.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 7 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  What can one do if a young handsome looking guy walk up to a young pretty girl but the guy in person has chronic mouth odor and body odor and he is seriously in love and getting ready to engage her (how can this be solved?)

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  It is a personal decision for the lady in question. Is she pleased to spend the rest of her life with a man with chronic mouth odour and body odour? A decent lady will be turned off by a man who carries any form of foul smell. For the man to have “chronic” mouth odour it may stand to reason that there is some medical or dental problem. For starters he may need to see a specialist in the field.

  In most cases, body odour is the result of failure to bathe, or to bathe well. The basic cause of this can be tackled by bathing regularly and well. In addition, the use of a roll on and/or body spray will ensure that the man is not socially repulsive to others because of a foul smell being emitted from his body. If these fail, then the man must see a specialist in the field.

  Problems relating to smells of any sort must be addressed headlong because they affect a person's self confidence, and if not successfully tackled could give the persons in questions inferiority complexes.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 6 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  Why is it that men today will like the woman to get pregnant for them before marrying her? (Note: not a member)

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  Men who like to do this are not believers, or if they are they are carnal with unrenewed minds. They are still thinking like natural men. They need to get born again and renew their minds to God's thoughts and ideas on marriage. God's idea of marriage is that for sex to take place, the man and woman have to be married. Doing otherwise is what the Bible describes as the bed being undefiled [Hebrews 13:4].

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 5 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  While courting must the man love the woman most or the woman has to love the man most. Is it right?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  Both must love each other. By nature, the man is the aggressor; that is, the man starts the pursuit of love. And it is beautiful thing to behold when a man in love hotly hastens to the lady who has captured his heart. This is the way God designed it, because a lot depends upon the man. The lady is the responder. However, not every lady responds to the gestures and overtures of a man. And a man must have his eyes open to this fact in the pursuit of love. A man making advances to a lady for the purpose of marriage should pursue gently, steadily but also sensitively. It will be clear to him if the lady is not interested, and if he is certain that the lady is not responding, he should be a gentleman and go away. He should know that there will be someone else who will receive him and love him.

  It should also be made clear that men and women love differently. But some things don't change: care, concern, affection are some things which are consistent with both. More importantly, the personal revelation of the God kind of love the individuals have will affect their relationship, and will help them give and receive love. In order to sustain any form of love, the God kind of love must be present. The one who has the greater revelation of divine love and walks in it will certainly manifest more love to their partner. As partners learn to walk in the God kind of love, they will outdo one another in love as they prefer one another in love.

  Exposure to true love matters. We are all products of our environments and upbringing. This is either positively or negatively. A man or woman who has seen true love manifested before their eyes for instance in their parents, and has had a rub off of it on them, is more likely to love more than the one who hasn't seen a firsthand manifestation of true love with the opportunity of a rub off. The bottom line is that every man and woman owes it to themselves to learn to walk in love.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 4 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  Please what am I to do? I have a friend that wanted to marry me (Pastor) but I turned it down. Now he is married but the wife maltreats him (beats, don't fulfill her marital duties). He comes around I honestly encourage and pray for his marriage to work out. Now I want to start a business, we talked about it casually (me telling him my plans and how to go about it) he went looking for a shop and even paid for it.

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  The best you can do for him is to pray for him. Praying for him should not be in the form of praying with him when he comes around. He is married and he shouldn't come around you because now that his wife is refusing to fulfill her conjugal obligations, you don't want the enemy to use that need in his life as an open door to tempt both of you into sexual sin. It is obvious that this man and minister still has feelings for you. That is why he paid for the shop for you to carry out your business. However, that was not wise. On your own part, you may even have developed feelings for him now, but you must not feed those feelings. You must deprive them of the essential elements that are needed to cause them to grow because HE IS MARRIED. You must stop seeing him. If you really loved him when he asked you to marry him, then it stands to reason that you would have accepted his proposal. Maybe you didn't love him then; and if you did, the fact remains that you didn't marry him. He's the husband of another woman. Whatever feelings you have for him now may at best be pity. What he needs to now to receive sound counsel. He should speak to his senior ministers if he is a subordinate minister in a Church structure; but if he runs his own ministry, then there should be some other minister(s) he is accountable to. He should speak with him/them and seek counsel on how to move forward. But you should stop seeing him now.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 3 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  Is it proper for a man to marry a woman who does not take her personal hygiene seriously (brushing of mouth etc.)

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  Personal hygiene is so important for both men and women. Due to the peculiar nature of a woman's body, a woman who does not take personal hygiene seriously will drive away any decent man, as well as set a wrong example for her children when she has them. However, the issue of personal hygiene goes beyond marriage. A woman should not adhere to personal hygiene just because she wants to get married. She must adhere to it because it is good for her health, period. A man may be initially attracted to and develop interest in a woman who doesn't take personal hygiene seriously, because he can't notice that from a distance. But once he gets close to her, things of that nature will reek all over and shout loud and clear and a decent man will certainly be put off.

  Now, whether a man should marry a woman should not marry a woman who does not take her personal hygiene seriously is something else; it is the decision of the man concerned. But one thing is for sure: it will initially put off any decent man. The man may decide to help her with it; but that would be his decision. There are some men who do not care and who may not spot it themselves maybe because they don't take personal hygiene seriously themselves. If such get married, then it is quite certain that their children will not be brought up to respect personal hygiene because their parents have no standards themselves. It is important that personal hygiene be adhered to.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 2 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  My question is about a man who is approaching between 40-45 and has not got a regular job asking a woman's hand in marriage.

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  It is important that before a man gets married he should have a job. God gave Adam a job before He gave him a wife. Having a regular job does not mean that he must be in another's employ. He may be gainfully employed by himself. But what is important is that he is doing something and receiving a steady income. He needs that income so that he can have something to take care of his wife and family.

• Audience wrote on 20-07-2010

  Question 1 from Audience to The Panel at Sistaz And Suitors Meeting

  I read a book recently on Grace To Marry and the author said for us to get married, we must give/sow seed and this seed must be sown into a ministry where the man of God is called into marriage ministry. How true is this?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2010-07-20

  It is not true! There is nothing like that. Such statements are ploys from charlatans to make money from desperate singles.

• favour chinwe wrote on 16-07-2010

  i have been in a relation with a guy for the past 4-5yrs,we met in school,then i was 24 and now going on 29.i have been a religious person and have been going from one prophet to another to know if he is the right man for me and they have all approve of our marriage but things seem not to be OK with him financially(he works) but i am doing very OK.( a plot of land,car and a good job)i have decided to settle down with this brother and support him very well. but the same prophets that told me 4yrs back to carry on with the relationship now prophesied that i should hold on,that there are witches in the guys family that are waiting to devour me. i am scared. can God allow witches to devour me. i pay my tithe,first fruit etc. i and the guy have been praying,we are both born again and have choose to be members of TCC,we are presently in believers class. his family and mine are aware of all these. pls. how do i remove the fear and move ahead. the prophecy have really confessed me . my parents dont believe the prophecies and his family dont either. but they are aware that there are witches in the family due to the confession of one of them. but are they for me a child of God? I love this guy.

• The Panel replied favour chinwe on 2010-09-08

  There are several issues that your question(s) raise. You should seek counsel from your Pastors in TCC as a matter of urgency. But we will touch on a few of them here. The main issue here is that you have a very low appreciation of the place of God's Word and the Spirit of God hold in giving direction to your life. You have not given the Word and the Spirit of God their rightful places in your life as it relates to receiving direction from God. You have admitted that you have been very religious but there is a difference between being spiritual and religious. True spirituality comes from knowing the truth of God's Word as communicated by the Spirit of God. The revelation of truth in turn, develops discernment within you. He that is spiritual judges all things (1 Corinthians 2:15). Discernment causes you to question things you hear because not all that comes in the name and guise of “Thus saith the Lord,“ is from God. It is not everyone who claims to be a prophet of God that is a real prophet of God. There are many false prophets under the influence and inspiration of evil spirits who are going about in the world today, speaking lies, and in a lot of cases, their god is their belly.

  Going into all the details of what these prophets have said to you is uncalled for because they are not the issues at stake here. You have inadvertently assigned your responsibility to hear and follow God as a person to these false prophets. The fact that they are directing and manipulating you proves that they are false because no true prophet of God leads any believer. That is the ministry of the Holy Spirit. No prophet assumes God's responsibility. God has promised that He will lead us individually and from within. Be careful that you don't give the responsibility of hearing and following God for yourself over to someone else in the name of a prophet. All these prophets you have been dealing with are false prophets. Forget everything they have said. Focus on the Scriptural guidelines of getting married as well as what the Spirit of God may minister to you individually. Also give heed to good counsel. Following the Spirit of God does not mean that you can't use good sense. There is a place for exhibiting good judgment in accordance to a sound mind.

  Sincerely, you have a lot of growing up to do and you owe it yourself to get on with immediately. Having located TCC as a Church, you are in good hands. You are also encouraged to speak with the pastors about your relationship immediately so that you can be further guided.

  Based on the audience you have given these false prophets, it stands to reason that you have become afraid. You have been fed with tormenting fear because you have listened to everyone but God. Now, you can be taught and be led of God, by His Word and Spirit, and the promise of God which says, you will be taught of God and great will be your peace can now be fulfilled in your life (Isaiah 54:13). Peace is the absence of fear. Fear is contingent on whom you have been listening to. Begin now to listen to the Word and the Spirit of God and see the peace of God that passes all understanding keep your soul and be the umpire and judge of all your decisions you are faced with - including this one.

  The main issues to consider here are if you are both believers and love the Lord and yourselves. Do you agree on main issues that matter? These are the basic things to sincerely answer. Other issues of compatibility are individual in nature and should be treated by both of you. Now to the issue of the man's work: what is important is that the man is working and can provide for you at his standard. If you are aware of his financial level at the moment and you commit to go ahead and marry him, then you have acquiesced to live with the level of financial and material comfort he is able to provide for you now.

• JEMITALO AKPOVETA JACOB wrote on 15-07-2010

  so it is mandatory that i inform pastor before asking a sister out.

• The Panel replied JEMITALO AKPOVETA JACOB on 2010-09-08

  Yes it is. If a brother is a member of TCC, he is meant to speak with the Pastors before proposing marriage to a sister, whether or not the sister is a member of TCC. If the sister is a member of TCC, she will be called and told that a brother (identity withheld) is interested in her. If she is not ready for a relationship, the brother will be told not to bother going ahead. If she is interested in a relationship, then the brother is given the go ahead to propose marriage to her.

  The main purpose in this is so that things are done decently and in order and of the individuals to be properly counseled. This forestalls a situation where a brother is not yet ready for marriage going ahead to ask marriage of a lady, and it equally prevents a lady who is not yet ready for marriage from receiving a proposal from a brother.

  We realize that policies on relationships may differ from Church to Church so those who are not members of TCC should follow their own Church's policy on the matter.

• peter wrote on 07-07-2010

  i am a guy of 27yrs old, i am attracted to women and also men, what do i do?

• The Panel replied peter on 2010-09-08

  God did not make anyone to be bisexual. He made human beings male and female (Genesis 1:27). He did not make a human being male and female at the same time. God made human beings to be heterosexual, that is, He made man to be attracted to a woman, and a woman to be attracted to man. He didn't make human beings to be homosexual, that is, sexually attracted to the same sex. Neither did He make us to be attracted to both sexes that is, bisexual as you find yourself to be attracted to both sexes. The first thing to do is to identify that this feeling is abnormal.

  Bisexuality is a lie of the Devil that says that there is nothing wrong in feeling sexual attraction and deriving sexual satisfaction from members of both sexes.

  If indeed you are born again, and have confessed the Lordship of Christ, then in Christ Jesus you have been set free from the power of sin and Satan (Romans 6:14; Colossians 1:12-13). If you are not, then you must do that right away. Having done that you can exercise your authority in Christ and be free from this lie of the Devil, and renew your mind to the truth of God's Word. Use your mouth to declare that the Son has set you free from sin and Satan, and so you are free indeed, and that you yield your body unto God and your members as instruments of righteousness (John 8:36; Romans 6:13). If you want to have someone pray for you, that is okay. Then continually renew your mind to the truth of God's Word on this matter. The truth is that God made human beings male and female, with the capacity of giving and receiving sexual love and affection to a member of the opposite sex, who will be their spouse, and that within the walls of marriage, and not any other way (Genesis 1:27; 2:24-25; Hebrews 13:5). This means that sex even with a member of the opposite sex but who isn't your spouse is a sin and God does not allow it. That is fornication or adultery and it is as much a sin and despicable in the sight of God as homosexuality.

  You must become accountable to someone, preferably your pastor who will continually help you and track your progress in this regard. Finally, stay away from people, places and things that will encourage you be involved with this.

• gold wrote on 30-06-2010

  A brother is asking for my hand in marriage and he is a christian but my mother is really against the relationship just because he is from another tribe.she claimed she had a dream where she was told where my husband came from in my tribe and that a man of God aiso told her that my husband will come from my tribe. pastor please what sholud l do

• The Panel replied gold on 2010-07-11

  The main scriptural requisite for considering a marriage relationship with or accepting a marriage proposal from a member of the opposite sex is that the person be a believer, for light and darkness are incompatible and cannot cohabit. The choice of who a person marries is their call and decision. Therefore issues of tribe, background, education and age are to be dealt with individually. Therefore, your mother or any other person for that matter doesn't have the right to tell you who to marry or who not to marry.

  If your parents disagree with a position you take (and they have a right to do that), it is proper that they note their concern, and solicit caution; but the decision ultimately rests with you. In this case your mother has done this, but her position unfortunately is unscriptural and therefore unfounded. It doesn't matter how sincere she is, she is sincerely wrong. God only insists that a believer chooses a spouse from the people of God. If you check the genealogy of Jesus, it may interest you to find out that two of the three women mentioned there – Rahab and Ruth, were not Jewish people, yet God counted them as fitting to be part of the line through which Christ His Son would come, because through faith they became righteous. Having become righteous, God saw it fitting that His only begotten Son would come through them. God is never against inter-tribal and interracial marriages; what has always been important to Him is that His people be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. This is why in the Old Testament, He instructed His people not to mingle with and marry the unbelievers and pagans, because they did not serve Him Jehovah, the only true God.

  Now, there is nothing wrong as an individual having a personal leaning towards some particular tribe(s), but it shouldn't be from the point of tribal or racial superiority. There are good and bad things about every tribe. That is why we need to renew our minds to the Word. A believer should be able to adjust if another believer from another tribe comes their way. Therefore your mother's stance is unscriptural and in as much as you should love and respect her, you owe God's Word your first love and deepest respect.

  It should be stressed that no dream or prophecy should be given first place above the Word of God on any issue, this issue inclusive. Therefore, your mother's dream corroborated by the prophecy from the “man of God” is to be judged. It may be a form of insecurity and manipulation to try to convince someone else through ministrations you receive. That in itself is a sign that the ministration did not come from God, because the wisdom that comes from above is easy to be entreated (James 3:17). Keep in mind that dreams and prophecies are to be judged (1 Thess. 5:20-21). Even prophecies of genuine prophets of God are to be judged (1 Cor. 14:29). The Word is the Judge. And the Word is clear on this issue.

  God may choose to disclose certain details about the identity of your spouse to you including his tribe; but it is left to Him, and we don't ask for such, because we do not seek for signs. Whatever signs are given to us by Him come at His prerogative. However, the reason why God may tell you which tribe your spouse may come from is not because one tribe is better than another; it's just because, being all knowing He is giving you the details of the man who is coming your way in order to help you identify him. It is also left to Him to confirm it through whosoever He chooses, and in most cases if you have fellowship with God, when you hear it will sound strange to you.

  It is also worth observation that nowhere in the Bible did anybody prophesy who a person's spouse will be. We should consider that as being most instructive. Important matters of life like marriage are very personal and more often than not, God will not bypass the individual involved and give details and specifics of their lives to other people. God rarely functions this way, and where God chooses in His sovereignty to do so, it is not for the purpose of someone directing another person's life. Every child of God is to be led individually and from within by the Word and the Spirit.

  The choice is yours. Since the man is a Christian, you love him and are compatible, then you can stand your ground, but it should be done in love and respect. Trust God to lead you every step of the way.

• pepple Nene wrote on 19-05-2010

  I must start by commending the way questions are been answered. my question goes this way, I had dated this guy when I was not born again, and we separated after some time and now he is back proposing marriage, and he is now also a born again christian. what do you advice me to do.thanks and God bless you all for your wonderful work.

• The Panel replied pepple Nene on 2010-06-28

  Thanks for your commendation.

  Now, to your question. If you “dated” this guy when both of you were unbelievers, but now you are both believers and he is now asking your hand in marriage, then you may choose to consider him because both of you are new creations in Christ, and the past life both of you were involved in before you came to Christ is passed (2 Corinthians 5:17). That is the good news of being in Christ. A Christian is not allowed to consider marriage with an unbeliever; becoming joined together with an unbeliever is tantamount to an unequal yoke (2 Corinthians 6:14). Having said that, you should go into the relationship for the right reasons. People who have known each other before somehow feel a “bond” with their “ex” (as they are called). For instance, some Christian ladies feel they should get married to a guy they had a relationship with before, especially if they lost their virginity to him. That should not be the reason for going into marriage. But if he genuinely loves you and you genuinely love him, then you are free to accept his proposal. However, you must now know that you should conduct your relationship according to the truths of God's Word which you must now begin to renew your mind to, and not according to the standards of the world. Both of you should also be actively involved in your local assemblies and accountable to your pastors.

• ruyadan wrote on 28-04-2010

  my question is, being in PortHarcourt for some time now, I have come to understand one thing that makes me to wander if really believers follow the foot steps of Jesus Christ. as christian is it good to base your mind on "religious, language and culture?

• The Panel replied ruyadan on 2010-06-28

  Ruyadan, sorry, your question is not clear.

• shammy wrote on 22-04-2010

  I am born gay, i love God, but i still commit the act of homosexuality. what should i do?

• The Panel replied shammy on 2010-06-28

  Nobody is born gay. This is probably the foremost truth that must be ingrained into anyone's consciousness before they receive true and lasting deliverance from homosexuality. Homosexuality is a lie of the Devil that they there is nothing wrong in feeling sexual attraction and deriving sexual satisfaction from members of the same sex. If indeed you are born again, and have confessed the lordship of Christ, then in Christ Jesus you have been set free from the power of sin and Satan (Romans 6:14; Colossians 1:12-13). It is left for you to exercise your authority in Christ and renew your mind to the truth of God's Word. Use your mouth to declare that the Son has set you free sin and Satan, and so you are free indeed, and that you yield your body unto God and your members as instruments of righteousness (John 8:36; Romans 6:13). If you want to have someone pray for you, that is okay. Then continually renew your mind to the truth of God's Word on this matter. The truth is that God made human beings male and female, with the capacity of giving and receiving sexual love and affection to a member of the opposite sex, who will be their spouse, and that within the walls of marriage (Genesis 1:27; 2:24-25; Hebrews 13:5).

  You must become accountable to someone, preferably your pastor who will continually help you and track your progress in this regard. Finally, stay away from people, places and things that will encourage a relapse into homosexual lifestyle.

• Timi Asiya wrote on 22-04-2010

  I will like to know the procedure in getting the pastorate informed of being engaged with a male member of another church? Thanks.

• The Panel replied Timi Asiya on 2010-06-28

  When a single lady in TCC receives a proposal from a brother whether or not he's a member of TCC, she is expected to inform the pastors of this proposal before she accepts the proposal of the brother. If the brother is a member of TCC, the pastors would be aware of the proposal and they would have called the sister before then, because he is expected to have informed the pastors of his intention beforehand. If the brother is not a member of TCC, then the sister is expected to inform the pastors about it before she accepts the proposal. The purpose in all of this is to ensure that the sister is properly guided and make a proper decision.

• TIMI wrote on 12-04-2010

  I have two suitors. The two are born again but one of them is more committed to church activities, the other one is not(but pays his tithe regulary and sow seeds) his excuses are the nature of this job.and always tell me he wants to get married to me. but financially things are not ok yet.and am in love with him.but the one that is committed to church activities has not said anything about marriage but keeps telling me how much he cares about me.what do i do becos I am a bit confuse.

• The Panel replied TIMI on 2010-06-28

  There is no need to be confused. A man proposes, but it is the lady who gets to choose who she wants to get married to. As it stands today, only one person has proposed marriage to you. So you only have one suitor, that is, the brother who has proposed marriage to you. The other brother who says he likes you but hasn't formally proposed marriage to you hasn't yet shown his intention to make a commitment to you. He may plan to get there, and telling you he cares for you may be his way of gradually leading you to the point where he says he wants to get married to you, but the fact is clear that he hasn't asked. Until he asks, there is no proposal. You can only forget about it, because it is not in your place to propose.

  It is the proposal of the brother who has brought up marriage that you can really consider, especially since you love him. It is also good that you are considering Church attendance and commitment of the brother. That shows your priorities are rightly placed. But if the nature of his job doesn't make him attend Church regularly as well as being committed, the proper thing to do is understand the nature of his job; his attendance to Church services when he is available, and his desire to get another job that will allow him attend services regularly and make a commitment to the Church. In a way, he is already committed to the Church through his tithes and the regular seeds you are aware that he sows. If you want to accept his proposal, then you should not let his present financial condition to deter you because it is subject to change. Moreover, since he is a giver, things can only get better for him.

• Onyige,Egumah wrote on 23-03-2010

  THANK GOD ITS HERE AT LAST, AN AVENUE FOR SINGLES THAT ARE WHOLE IN CHRIST TO EXPRESS THEIR CHALLENGES IN A WORLD WHERE SINGLE HOOD IS VIEWED AS UNBECOMING.

• Ohaka Obinuchi wrote on 01-03-2010

  I am so happy for a program like sistaz and suitors that God is using to reach out to his people at a time such as this when the whole system is after ungodly things. I pray that God continually bless the panel and give them more insights to answer the questions that are being asked. This is good stuff and as I keep reading through this I'm getting inspiration and direction for my life. God bless you.

• ken wrote on 09-02-2010

  I`m presently in Benin and I miss TCC so much, I would like you to recommend a church here where I can worship, while I believe God for a job in Port Harcourt. Though I`m not regular in church anymore, can I still join a department since I normally come to town once a month? Thanks Ken

• The Panel replied ken on 2010-09-08

  We advise to log on to www.freshdew.tv and you will find how to locate a Church outside Port Harcourt.

  It is very doubtful if any Department in Church may admit you because of your current schedule. However, there are some Departments that may find you useful. Examples include the Cleaning Team and Gardening Team. These Departments meet every Saturday on Greenville to do their work. If you speak with the leaders during the Screening Exercise and they are minded to admit you, then you may serve in those kinds of departments because they are not so time consuming and do not require too much presence as most Departments do.

• ifeoma obidike wrote on 01-02-2010

  Dear pastor, i live in lagos and i got to know about TCC from a friend at work. I am in my final year in school and i have been in a relationship with a christian brother for about two years now. When i met him, i was an emotional mess and he ministered the word to me and within months i was back on my feet again and he told me he wanted a relationship that would lead to marriage.At this time,he was a strong christian and i was just a church goer.that's how we started. it was pure at first.I was glad he could keep his hands to himself. It got harder and soon we were in a sexual relationship. After a while, i redeicated my life to christ and so did he. It stopped for a long time. Recently it hasn't been easy for us especially since he lost his job and i know he is not where he was spiritually when i met and fell in love with him.I'm afraid the strain on him is slowly taking its' toll on him and our decision to stay clean till marriage. What do i do.

• The Panel replied ifeoma obidike on 2010-04-22

  It is good that this gentleman has been of help to you by ministering the Word to you. But after that, he grew to like and love you, and with that came physical liking. When a man and a lady are in relationship they are in love and their bodies are strongly attached to each other. If there is no sexual desire between them, there is no point in them getting married. That explains why there is a strong sexual desire between you both. But if you don't know how to However, that does not justify you both having sex. As you know sex is meant for marriage. Both of you didn't know how to handle things and that is what led to sexual sin. Since both of you have repented, God has forgiven you and there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). But if you don't get to the heart of things and deal with the issue from its core, you may be keeping a door open for the enemy to tempt you again, and eventually club you with condemnation. Concerning the loss of his job, the gentleman needs to be assured that God loves him and that the loss of his job cannot separate him from the love of God unveiled in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:35, 39). At any rate, that is no reason why both of you should not stay clean till marriage. Both of you need to remind yourselves that your bodies are the temples of God and the Spirit of God lives in you. Because of that, your bodies belong to the Lord, the One who gave Himself for you. Your bodies will belong to each other when you are married. This is what the Word says concerning this situation (1 Corinthians 3:6; 6:19). It is the Word that you hide in your heart that makes life your life clean and protects you from sinning against God (Psalm 119:9, 11). When your love for the Father and the desire to please Him mean more to you than the love you have for your partner, you will not want to hurt the Father's heart by sinning against Him by dishonouring your body. This knowledge will also make you abstain from every appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22). This will result in taking practical steps and measures that will help you ward of the pressure to sin.

• Marvel wrote on 10-12-2009

  Pastors, Pls i want to ask a question, Am in a clean relationship with this guy, but before i knew him he had 2 sons but did not get married 2 d mother of his kids now the lady has walked out on both her kids and their dad. This guy is asking for my hand in marriage and i want 2 consent becos i know i truly love him and he loves me too. i sincerely need ur advice pastors.

• The Panel replied Marvel on 2009-12-17

  The guy who has asked for your hand in marriage is not married to the lady with whom he had two children. Both of them did not get married to each other. This means that there is no relationship binding between them and there's no commitment they have to each other. What were common to both of them were the children they had together. Now that he is interested in you and according to you both of you truly love each other, and he has proceeded to ask for your hand in marriage, you need to answer the following questions.

  Firstly, you have to verify that he is a believer. This is taking for granted that you are a believer yourself. You seem silent on whether or not the man is believer, and that may be because indeed he is saved. If he is then you have the basic requirement for a Christian marriage and that is a believer marries a believer. The Word of God says “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” [2 Corinthians 6:14]. You also have to verify that compatibility exists on other levels. If both of you are believers, then you can consider the next question which is very important.

  The other question you need to ask and truthfully answer is whether or not you are ready to be the mother of the children of this man. If indeed their mother has walked out on them, and you love their father and you are willing to accept his hand in marriage, you need to be aware that loving him implies loving his children also. The effect of this is that if you get married you immediately become the mother of those children and have the privilege of showing them real love that their biological mother most likely did not show them. Before you hastily say yes to this, here's another question in the same vein to contemplate: Will you be able to show them true love and not be biased where they are concerned when you have your own biological children with their father, if indeed you get married to him? You are the one who can answer these questions. You are encouraged to answer them sincerely. However, you don't need to be perfect; all you need is to count the cost. Jesus put it this way: “For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down first and count the cost, whether he has enough to finish it” [Luke 14:28]. Counting the cost implies taking a sincere inventory of yourself and frankly concluding if you have what it takes to make the commitment because it's not everyone who can do it.

  If you are certain you are ready to make that commitment, then go ahead and make it, and God will furnish you with all the grace, strength and enablement you need.

• Minini a. j. wrote on 10-12-2009

  sistaz and suitors i think is a tool that will enable us position ourselves for God's best but i will suggest that, the time should be extended so that more questions and answers will be accommodated.

• The Panel replied Minini a. j. on 2009-12-11

  Thank you for appreciating what God is doing at Sistaz & Suitors. Your suggestion will be passed onto the appropriate quarters. We will continue to trust God though that, with or without the extension of time, by His Spirit we will continue to maximise the time we have together and we will always leave the meeting better than we came in.

• Emi wrote on 07-12-2009

  I WANT TO KNOW IF IT IS POSSIBLE FOR ONE TO GET MARRIED WITHOUT HAVING PREMARITAL SEX? BY NEXT YEAR I WILL BE 30 AND I AM STILL A VIRGIN, I INTEND TO REMAIN A VIRGIN TILL I GET MARRIED BUT I FIND IT DIFFICULT TO FIND A GUY WHO WANT TO HAVE A PURE RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT SEX . THIS HAS KEPT ME IN A CLOSE DOOR. IS THERE TRULY A MAN OUT THERE WHO WOULD WANT TO GET MARRIED TO A VIRGIN?

• The Panel replied Emi on 2009-12-10

  It is very possible to get married as a virgin, or if you were not a virgin at marriage, it is possible to get married without having premarital sex. That is what the Bible teaches. Your state as a virgin at almost 30 is a testimony, and you should thank God for it. Going to your marriage bed as a virgin is something to be thankful for. Virginity is not a stigma; it is not something to be ashamed of. Contrary to what the world would want you to think and believe, virginity – for men and women, is a thing to be proud of. Hold your head up sister, you're on the right course! Please, remain a virgin till you get married.

  The fact that a man and a lady have agreed to get married does not give them the right to indulge in sexual activities. Sex is for marriage and for marriage alone. It is not for those who are intending to get married to each other. Those who intend to get married have sex as something to look forward to; but they are not married till they are married. That being the case sex is strictly and totally out of bounds.

  A good number of men and ladies who are in relationships to be married indulge in premarital sex. They find out that their bodies are attracted to each other and they give expression to it. It is understandable [though not acceptable] why unbelievers will sleep with each other because they are sinners. In real terms, we should not expect so much for unbelievers, except for those who have a tight moral leash on them. However, morality without Christ is a form of godliness at its best, but void of power against sin. Only Christ can do that. Hence one should not be surprised that those brought up with strict moral values throw away all their morality to the gutter. However, it is totally unacceptable for Christians who have agreed to get married to each other to indulge in sex or even be physically intimate. Any man or lady who wants sex from their would – be partner, is not operating in the God kind of love; they are operating in selfishness and show a disregard for the sanctity of the marriage bed and the institution of marriage as a whole.

  It may be difficult to find a man or lady who will not ask for sex, but it is not impossible. Certainly, there are many men and ladies who have not bowed their knee to premarital sex [Romans 11:4]. There are Christians who are pure in thought and body. It is this kind of person you should desire, pray and thank God for – that he will locate you, and you will also have the discernment to accept him.

  Finally, don't see your refusal to indulge in premarital sex as keeping you in a closed door. Life is about perspective. The way you view things matter a lot. A glass can either be half full of water or half empty – same glass but different perspectives. Rather, see your refusal to indulge in premarital sex as a means of glorifying and honouring God in your body. He told you to do this [1 Corinthians 6:20]. He also promised that those who honour Him, He will honour [1 Samuel 2:30]. When God honours you, He fulfills the desire of your heart.

  As you stand by the side of God's eternal truth and refuse to give your holy body to the pigs, God will reward you and bring you a man who will love you and you will love too. Watch out! Your Boaz is on the way.

• susan wrote on 06-12-2009

  pls i need urgent answers to this questions as they have been weighing me down. 1. I'm a born again sister and I'm believing God for marriage but all the brothers that come my way are catholic!i keep avoiding them but the pressure is getting too much. is it right for me to accept a catholic guy's proposal? 2. my mother keeps insisting I marry from my tribe(Ijaw) which i do not mind because I'm not too keen about the tribe thing, but i keep coming across Igbo guys, is God trying to tell me something or am i reading too much into the situation?

• The Panel replied susan on 2009-12-10

  Hello Susan,

  Your question here will require a very detailed response and so I would suggest that you see one of the Assistant Pastors promptly if you are a member of TCC. If not, we would gladly send a detailed reply to your email box.

  Kindly confirm which option would suit you best. Thank you.

• ghomi wrote on 05-12-2009

  when do you notify church of your relationship. especially when you've just started dating?

• The Panel replied ghomi on 2009-12-10

  Hello Ghomi,

  The answer to your question can be found in the Church Handbook. The handbook can be viewed by simply clicking this link: TCC Handbook.

• Oshuntoye Oladapo wrote on 02-12-2009

  TCC, i like your blog and the answers you gave to the so many questions raised. keep up the good work.

• The Panel replied Oshuntoye Oladapo on 2009-12-11

  Thank you Oshuntayo. Our goal is to be relevant & practical and we trust that by God's grace we will continue to be just that.

• Godson Ejiofor wrote on 02-12-2009

  Pastor pls I want to know how I can be convinced if a lady really loves me and if she will be ready to settle down with me considering the fact that I am a christian and intimacy is not allowed and secondly the bible made it clear that the heart is wicked. I need answer urgently. What is the characteristic of a wife material?

• The Panel replied Godson Ejiofor on 2009-12-08

  You can be convinced that a lady loves you by her word and actions. As it is, it is the man who makes moves towards a lady, for it is a man who finds a wife [Proverbs 18:22]. That requires that a man has knowledge of what he is “looking for.” When a man motions towards a lady, it may take time for her to respond to his overtures. This is why a man needs to woo a lady. In the process of speaking to a lady, a man will know if the lady is interested because her words and actions will reveal her interest or otherwise. The man is the aggressor and should gently pursue a lady, if the lady is interested she will gradually begin to respond to the man, and it will be apparent by her words and her actions. As the genuine love between them intensifies, so also will the responses. You have her words mainly to go by and then her actions will show what her words say. She is also likely to reflect or reject what she sees. So the man should aim to show genuine and sincere love by his words and actions.

  Now, to the issue of intimacy. Intimacy – sexual intimacy is not allowed by God between Christians because the Bible teaches that sex is for marriage [Hebrews 13:4]. The proof of genuine love is not sex. In fact, sex outside of marriage is not love. A person cannot be functioning in the God kind of love with his fiancée / her fiancé and have sex with them. That would not be an act of genuine love, because genuine love – the God kind of life is patient, and it is not self seeking [1 Corinthians 13:4-5]. With this understanding, a courting couple should not put pressure one another for sex. Pressure by one person on another is enough reason to call off a relationship.

  Proverbs 31:10-31 is probably the most detail picture of the wife material you are asking about. However, keep in mind that there is no woman who starts out like this – just like there is no man who experientially typifies the “Husband” picture of Christ as shown in Ephesians 5. The picture for both the man and the woman is the finished product. God doesn't start out with finished product; He starts out with the raw material. The implication of that is that you must be like God and look for potential and not for perfection. As you are looking for potential, you have God's attention, He'll lead you aright. Since the same is applicable to you, then when you come to terms with the fact that you are not “perfect”, you'll be delivered from unrealistic desires you are looking for in a lady.

• Peter Etim wrote on 23-11-2009

  I believe every good thing comes from God and we need to walk in His Act and statute to be properly guided within His spirit that dwell in us. Is there any scriptural backing to start up a relationship with a girl? Also, what are the scriptural backing when you are attracted to a girl you have not known before and you intend getting close to her? What are the scriptural backing of choosing a wife?

• The Panel replied Peter Etim on 2010-01-07

  It appears that your question has 3 parts to it as follows:

  1. The Scriptural backing [guidelines] on how to start up a relationship with a girl or lady;
  2. The Scriptural backing [guidelines] on how to go about a lady you are attracted and have not known before but you intend getting close to her; and
  3. The Scriptural backing [guidelines] on choosing a wife

  For a Christian starting a relationship with a lady must be with marriage in view, therefore those guidelines on how to start a relationship with a lady will inform your choice of a wife. Thus, we'll treat 1 and 3 together because they are interrelated.

  Starting a relationship with a lady must have marriage in focus. Here are a few guidelines.

  Firstly, you must approach a sister – a lady who is a believer. This is the only clear – cut Scriptural instruction for choosing a spouse. A Christian brother has no business approaching a lady who is an unbeliever for marriage. A Christian sister has no business considering a proposal from a man who is an unbeliever, not to mention accepting the proposal.

  The Bible puts it this way:

  • 14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
  • 15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?
  • 16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
  2 Corinthians 6:14-16 [KJV]

  Simply put: a believer must not marry an unbeliever. One mistake many Christians make in this connection is that they marry unbelievers thinking that they will convert them. Such actions are tantamount to spiritual folly and pride because when a person does that, they are saying that they are wiser than God who has made the matter clear. They also arrogate to themselves spiritual ability that God has not placed within their hands.

  It is also interesting that the Bible does not make state that you must marry someone from your tribe. There is one Family and nation a spouse should be taken from and that is the Family of Faith [Galatians 6:10], and the people of God [1 Peter 2:9]. An individual may tilt towards one or more tribes than others, but that should not be their primary consideration.

  Secondly, you must be of age because marriage is for men not for boys. It is a man who leaves father and mother in order to cleave to his wife [Genesis 2:24]. Though maturity is not primarily a function of age, age has a bearing on maturity. By the same token, the lady must be of age, that is she must not a girl or minor. She should be from 20 years and above. Whether the lady can be older than the man are matters of personal convictions and individual decisions.

  Thirdly, you must have a job that brings in a steady income in order to take care of the woman. Adam had a job before God gave him a wife [Genesis 2:15-19]. This is the case because it is the responsibility of the man to take care of his wife and family.

  Other areas of compatibility border on matters dealing with things like education and spiritual maturity must not be overlooked and a couple needs to be frank with themselves on these matters before they get married. However, they are personal decisions and should be treated on an individual basis.

  Finally, keep your Church involved. That is to say you should adhere to the policies of your local assembly where relationships are concerned. It is necessary for you to know how relationships are commenced and conducted in your Church and be in step with your Church all the way. This is taking for granted that you belong to a Bible – Believing Church that has guidelines for relationships that are sound scripturally and morally.

  With respect to the other part of your question dealing with how to go about a relationship with a lady you are attracted and have not known before but you intend getting close to her, know this: there are no hard and fast rules. At times in commencing a relationship with a lady, a man may choose someone he has known before. At other times, it is not so. He may get to know someone and in the process decide that she is the one he wants. What must always be borne in mind is that there is always a first time to meet someone.

  Also, know that attraction is not love. In some cases it is infatuation. The fact that a man is attracted to a lady does not mean that he loves us, neither is it reason enough to use that as the only basis for choosing to marry her. The other things pointed out earlier on must be taken into account. Needless to say, a man must be attracted to the lady he chooses to marry and vice – versa, but the choice of who to marry is not all about attraction.

  We would suggest that if you are interested in or attracted to a lady, interact with her normally then get to know what you can know about her, without making any commitments. When you have thought it through, prayed about it, and you wish to go ahead and commit to her, then you may approach her and propose to her. if she accepts your proposal then you can commence a relationship that will bring you close and closer with each passing day. [You must not neglect to keep your Church involved. In TCC, a brother is expected to see the pastors before he approaches a lady, and a lady is expected to see the pastors before she accepts a proposal from a brother].

  Making a commitment to marry a person is done by faith and not by sight. This is not to say once a proposal is accepted and a formal relationship has started, the relationship may not be called off. A relationship may be called off, but the parties don't go into the relationship hoping to call it off once there is a problem. Christians must always conduct relationships God's way and avoid being sucked into the world's vicious swirl of relationships/dating which is based on sight and sampling. In the world, a man and lady “go out,” “go steady,” and “date” and most of the time marriage is not even in view at all.

  It is hoped that these thoughts will help you.

• ghomi wrote on 21-11-2009

  I wanna ask if there's something i'm doing wrong.i get more advances from married men than from single brothers and its so annoying.most single guys that can come around just want to jump into bed. i've been a believer for a while and always believed in God's principle on courtship, but with all this i'm getting scared.i need advice.

• The Panel replied ghomi on 2009-11-23

  You may be doing something wrong; you may not be doing something wrong. There are times a lady attracts the attention of both married and single men because she is loose. But it is not always the case. Some men are just lecherous and they'll go after any female. There are cases when the lady is doing nothing wrong; it's the men who are being used as a means of temptation. A good example would be Potiphar's wife who made advances at Joseph [Genesis 39]. She made the advances to Joseph, who refused and ultimately had to flee. So don't apportion blame to yourself especially if you are not passing the wrong messages which result in advances from men. Even if you don't go looking after temptation, temptations may come looking after you. This might very well be the case here.

  As you stand in faith and refuse to yield to temptation, the man who will love you and share the same principles of God's Word upon which your own resolve is founded will find his way to you and you'll recognize him. Up until then, stand steadfast on your desire to get married to a believer and one that respects God's principles. That resolve is faith. And faith and fear don't function at the same time. Actually, there is no reason for fear, and so don't entertain it. When a person becomes afraid, they may very well end up doing things they said they would never do. Affirm to your heart, “There is no fear here!”

• Chika Ikeorji wrote on 06-11-2009

  Thank u so much for answering my question. i receive favour to comply to what you have said. God bless you all and enrich you with more wisdom and inspiration. thank u so much!!!!!

• goodluck wrote on 02-11-2009

  dear panel, I am in a relationship with a girl and we both agreed for marriage but she said I should not go to see her family that all she knows is that I should go and see her pastor. In this case what should I do?

• The Panel replied goodluck on 2009-11-23

  You really need to find out what she means. If what she means is that you need to see her pastor first, then that may make some sense especially if in her local assembly, the pastor is involved at the stage when relationships commence. If in her local assembly, no such policy exists, it is still strongly advised to still see her pastor for a number of reasons. The pastor stands in the place of spiritual oversight where she is concerned and needs to be aware. In that respect, he is like a responsible father who wants to know who he is giving his daughter out in marriage to. In addition, it gives the relationship the opportunity to receive pastoral input and necessary and needed counsel. It also gives the relationship the necessary formality from the Church point so that it can be guided in line with the Church's policies concerning weddings and marriages.

  However, if what she means is that she wants you to get married to her without any recourse to her family whatsoever, then her position is not proper – except she has absolutely no member of her family alive, which most likely is not the case. It is important that she understands that one main reason why you need to see her family is because you value her as their daughter and you didn't just pick her up on the “road.”

  A real pastor will not want their member to get married without family knowledge and parental consent. Thus, members planning to get married will be asked about the position of their families with respect to the proposed marriage. Exceptions may be made if it is obvious that the family is just being overbearing, difficult, or doesn't want to give consent, or support the wedding for no valid reason. In such cases, her local assembly, being her spiritual family [under the leadership of her pastor] may step in to give her the support and a strong sense of family that she so much needs.

  In this particular instance probably the relationship between she and her family is anything but cordial, or, it may be almost as good as nonexistent. That may also account for why she doesn't want you to see her family – there may be no family to see. But there is definitely a reason behind her not wanting you to see her family. Prod softly and probe gently till you touch on the relevant issue. Hopefully, the foregoing thoughts will help you in deal with it successfully.

• Nne wrote on 20-10-2009

  please i had previously sent in a question..i am so concerned about walking with God. God specifically gave me a scripture as regards my husband. please i dont want my full name published. how do i know how to align my self with specific direction?

• Nne wrote on 20-10-2009

  Dear Panel Someone new just came in to my life but i have fears at the back of my mind. saw blue movies and slight traces of violence like raisin his voice for no obvious reason. he claims to have been born again and grew up in a good Christian home but anytime we spend time together, i feel alone..i dont know what to do..am not a member of ur church..this forum was suggested to me by a good friend and colleague

• The Panel replied Nne on 2009-10-26

  Your friend and colleague definitely has your good interests at heart by informing you this forum. We thank God for His giving us this opportunity to help you.

  If this man you say has come into your life has blue movies in his possession, then it is right to say he is into pornography. Also, if he raises his voice [at you] for no obvious reason, then he is most likely given to violence. You don't want a husband hooked on pornography anymore than you want a man with a turbulent temper and given to violence owing to outburst of wrath.

  It is good that you certify that he is born again. However, being born again does not mean he will automatically have victory in these areas, if he fails to renew his mind with the Word of God. Basically, victory in any area of the Christian life begins, is received and is maintained as the mind is renewed to the Word of God. This leads to the real issue for consideration here. What this man needs to do is to renew his mind with the Word and take practical steps to overcome these challenges. In matters of this nature the person facing the challenges ought to seek counselling.

  So, point out to him your observations and concerns over these issues. Listen to him and be sincere as you watch out for two things. Firstly, an admission of truth, that is he owns up that he has challenges in those areas of his life. Any covering up should not satisfy you. The other thing you need to watch out for are sincere efforts which include seeking counselling most likely from his pastor in order to overcome those challenges. In the absence of these two things, you are advised to let him go and forget the relationship.

  You should never marry someone hoping that he will change. Helping with the process of change by raising up these areas of challenges in itself is a big step. The responsibility of change lies on the person who needs to change. Other people can give a helping hand at best. If change is not forthcoming from him and you chose to go ahead then it will be purely denial on your part, comparable to an ostrich burying its head in the sand in denial of the inevitable. Also if the change is not sincere, let him go.

  As concerns direction and the will of God, please read the first half of our response to Dumkelechukwu below it will help you see some of the different factors that could affect your picture of the will of God for your life in the area of marriage.

  We trust that we have helped you and God has given you an answer of peace.

• Chika wrote on 20-10-2009

  Dear Panel, i have a problem. i am not a graduate yet but i am intending to be one. everyman that comes my way with intention of marriage insist that i must be a graduate before making any plans. up to six serious guys have come and gone. please what do i do?

• The Panel replied Chika on 2009-10-26

  You say that you are not a graduate but one day you intend to be one. This could mean you are currently an undergraduate, you are seeking admission at the moment, or you are yet to seek admission. It is clear that every man who has come around you with marriage in view has it as their requirement that their spouse must be a graduate. That desire is not wrong; neither is it unfounded. They must have their reasons why they want it that way. For instance, they may want their wife to be on the same intellectual and educational wavelength as them so as to be able to hold an intelligent discussion with them and they know that a degree will go a long way to enhance just that. Or, it could be born out of a desire to be bold and confident of their wife before other people. Yet still, they may not want their spouse to express feelings of inferiority complex and insecurities before them or others as a result of not having a degree. These are real issues couples grapple with in marital relationships.

  Since you have said you desire to be a graduate, please pursue it no matter where you are now. But don't get a degree just because you want to get married. You should get a degree for the right reasons, and the reasons for having a degree definitely go beyond your desire to get married. It is always in good taste to do the right things with the right motivation.

  You must not consider the fact that you are not yet a graduate as a disadvantage; neither should you disqualify yourself from a good husband due to the fact that you are not yet a graduate. The good news for you is that not every man wants to have a graduate as a wife; neither does every man insist that his wife be a graduate at the time of marriage. There are men who are interested in marrying the woman of their dreams for who she is positionally and with faith in who she will become experientially. After all, the element of faith in any godly marriage cannot be removed. That takes care of your situation. If you are not yet an undergraduate then there is someone who can be interested in you in that state. If you already are an undergraduate, there will also be someone who will love you in that state and be willing to marry. There is someone who will love you and who you will love and be compatible with among such men. That is the man that you should expect.

  Know today that the anointing of God in the form of His favour rests upon you this hour. The man who will get married to you obtains favour from the Lord [Proverbs 18:22]. For a man to obtain favour from the Lord in order to marry you should tell you that you have something that it takes a man receiving the favour of God to bring you into his life. In other words, he is blessed to be married to you! Never lose sight of that.

• vivian wrote on 20-10-2009

  I WANT TO THANK THE PANEL FOR THEIR EFFORT IN PROVIDING INTERESTING ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS, I PRAY GOD TO GIVE YOU MORE WISDOM TO ENABLE YOU CARRYOUT THIS WORK.

• Dumkelechukwu wrote on 18-10-2009

  Hi, I am in courtship with a brother that really doesnt have anything at the moment, and by that i mean he is just starting out and bearly having a enough for savings. however, he is a faithful sower and tither, and loves God whole heartedly and sometimes i wonder why things havent picked up as they ought to. Could it be that there is something he isnt doing, that's why his breakthrough hasnt come? I'm i in the wrong staying in this relationship believing things would work out because most times i get thought bombs that 'he may not amount to anything and i should just leave him', but i know what i have heard God say concerning the relationship. or could God be speaking twice? thank you

• The Panel replied Dumkelechukwu on 2009-10-26

  Hello Dumkelechukwu,

  In response to the issue(s) you wrote about we would like for you to know that God, our Father, is not a schizophrenic who says a thing and does another. When He speaks about a subject more than once He only emphasizes what He has already said; He doesn't contradict himself. You should learn to reject thought bombs that come to you which are contrary to your expectation which is in line with God's Word. And the way to reject such thought bombs is by speaking out loud what your benefits and expectations are in Him.

  The thing however about following God's leading, is that the individual has to be sure that he or she heard from God in the first place. Sometimes, it was never God and then when we see/hear better it may look like God was yo-yo-ing and changing His mind when the problem was with our receiver not with His transmission.

  Yet another dimension to this is when God gives you a leading that involves someone else in your life, He does not take away the will and choices of that person. If that person, chooses not to yield to God and line up with that will, God may not keep you bound in that path but may redirect your steps somewhere better where you can truly experience His best for you.

  What you wrote about your fiancé's financial principles, are Scripturally true i.e. if he is someone who loves the Lord, a tither and a faithful sower then it should be settled that he will surely be rewarded and increase shall be his experience because God's Word guarantees it. No one should despise his days of little beginnings because though his beginning may be small, yet his latter end shall greatly increase. That's God's promise.

  Again, his will and commitment and consistency matter the most. If he has continued without any apparent increase for years then he needs to evaluate certain factors like the state of his heart e.g. is he walking in un-forgiveness, strife etc. or is he sowing grudgingly or into unfertile soil etc. God's Word always works.

  Ultimately, Dumkelechukwu, after all we have said, the end of the matter is this – follow your heart and the litmus test for God's will is that it will always give you righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost.

• Ada wrote on 16-10-2009

  Hmmmm!!! thanks a million for your prompt response to my question. Its like a mighty rock has been lifted up off my shoulders. God bless you richly. Deliverance tastes really good you know!

• Newking Patience E. wrote on 14-10-2009

  Wow! TCC is blessed. I praise God for my Pastors - YOU ROCK!!!! I'm mighty glad to be a part of this great revolution. Sistaz and Suitors has been everything I ever wished for in a singles meeting. I've been taught to Paint a picture while waiting instead of been anxious; learnt that with God all things are possible through the movie - Facing the giants. I feel good about myself where I should have been worried that my younger sister is married and I'm not (smiles). God bless you Pastor Cee and Pastor Kech as well as Pastors Chris, Sola and Uche. YOU ARE TOO MUCH!!!

• ken wrote on 14-10-2009

  how does one balance job haunting and church activities i really want to be active in church activities but trying to earn a living without a job is taking a lot out of me. thanks

• The Panel replied ken on 2009-10-16

  It is God's desire that you find a job through which you will release your God-given potential and make money. It is equally His desire for you to belong to a local assembly (a Bible believing Church) and be a committed member there: attending Church services and being active in some department. In your bid to be active in Church while hunting for a job you need to have a balance. Don't use all your time desperately looking for a job to the point that you wear yourself out and you have no time for Church activities. He that believes will not make haste. Apart from Sundays, which incidentally is not a working day, most Church activities take place in the evenings at which time most places of work would have closed. This keeps the evening open for you to take part in the activities. On the other hand don't go the other extreme and use Church activities as an excuse to be lazy and not go job hunting and set your hand to something “small” while you hunt. Faith without works is dead. Strike a balance between both extremes. If you do this, you will be fine. Remember that as you seek first the kingdom of God, all other things including a good job will be added unto you [Matthew 6:33].

• ada wrote on 14-10-2009

  I care about a guy who doesnt know about my feelings and he's got wat I've always desired yet there's another guy who is coming around wit the intention of marrying me. I dont have any affection for him. please, wat do I do because I've been taught from church not to approach a guy.

• The Panel replied ada on 2009-10-16

  As it is there are two men in the situation here and we assume you are born again and both men being considered here have the basic Biblical requirement of being born again. One man, you have feelings for and seemingly fits the profile of the kind of man you'd want to marry, but hasn't made a move towards you; and the other one you have no affection for, but has come to you. Sometimes, this is the case in relationships. Most ladies and gentlemen have what they are looking for in a potential spouse. Some of those desires are far-fetched, some of them are not. For some ladies, when a man comes wooing them even though he may not fit the profile they have in their minds, eventually they get to like the men, develop feelings for them and accept their proposal. That is alright. But it is important to stress that a lady and a man should have mutual feelings of affection one for another before walking down the aisle. Don't marry someone you are not excited about. It will be dangerous if mutual feelings are not present. We will take for granted that the guy who has come around you has feelings for you. As it turns, you don't have and have not developed feelings for him. The proper thing to do is that you courteously and politely tell him that you are not interested in his overtures. It is up to him to walk away or keep trying and up to you to insist that you are not interested or consider it.

  Now, as for the guy who you have feelings for, you can only hope that he shares the same feelings and reciprocates it back to you. For your own dignity you don't want to tell him anything – either directly or indirectly. The best you can do is that if he comes around, don't play hard to get, like some ladies do. If he doesn't come, big deal! Life goes on, and other good men will come along! At least one will fit the profile of what you are looking for and the feelings will also come, if they are not there immediately. Or God will help you adjust your profile and paint a clearer picture. Remember, you are not destined to marry one man. This truth will liberate you.

  The principle of initiation and aggression in the relationship between a man and a woman is saddled upon the man. It is the man who decides to leave father and mother in order to be with a woman [Genesis 2:24]. It is also a man who finds a wife [Proverbs 18:22]. The Bible is replete with examples in this regard. It is an aberration of the divine order for a woman to take the bulls by the horn and go after a man. It is not even lady-like. It is totally tasteless and altogether graceless. This may not sound contemporary, but it is Christian. Many ladies fail to see that even naturally, God has placed a lot of honour upon them. God states that a man should honour His wife [1 Peter 3:7]. That honour begins when a man who has decided to leave father and mother motions towards a lady. It shows that she is wanted and admired. Hopefully, it will continue throughout their relationship.

  In addition, a decent man won't like it if a woman initiates a relationship. Some men may take advantage of such advances by a lady towards them because they may interpret it as a sign of desperation on the part of the lady.

• Nwanne wrote on 09-10-2009

  How do we manage loneliness?

• The Panel replied Nwanne on 2009-10-13

  Loneliness is a feeling of being alone. But as a child of God, that feeling is a lying feeling. The Bible says we walk by faith and not by sight [2 Cor 5:7]. That is we do not place reliance upon our feelings and senses when they go contrary to the truth of the Word of God. If you are born again, you are not alone. The Word of God makes this abundantly clear.

  God the Father has said He will never leave you nor forsake you [Heb 13:5].
  Jesus said He is with you to the end of the world [Matt 28:18].
  The Holy Spirit is not only with you, He is also in you [John 14:17]. How can you be lonely? In the light of this great truth you see that there is no need to manage loneliness, loneliness has to be banished!

  You are still encouraged to seek counsel from your Pastor; hopefully you are born again and a member of a Bible Believing Church. He may be able to share with you on issues as you throw more light on the circumstances that may have led to your having this feeling. Do this and loneliness will be a thing of the past.

• Chinyere wrote on 06-10-2009

  while i was in my teens, my mum told me that there is a curse in my family ie the female marry late and some have babies out of wedlock. My cousins and aunts confirmed this bcos just one had a proper marriage and the rest had babies out of wedlock. My question is this, I am born again and have refused to indulge in pre marital sex but aint still married.Could this CURSE THING be following me. I have listened to the message"HE CHANGED MY ROOT" but still no man in my life. However i must confess that almost every year, i have a suitor but most of them are not born again. The few that are born again believe there is nothing wrong indulging in premarital sex. what do i do. Do u think God wants me to marry a man that isnt born again, so that thru me he can get born again? Also, i forgot to add that out of the few that are truly born again, just when i start telling myself that i will accept this man when he proposes, He walks away, he stops calling and seeing me. When i call and try seeing him, he tells me that the reasons he stoped communicating with me is becos work has been hectic. Few months later, i get to hear that He is abt getting married. I really feel sad abt this. Sometimes i ask myself if God is really seeing all this. My family are getting worried abt my single hood and sometimes they pass nasty comments at me. please advise me what do i do? I want to get married ASAP.

• The Panel replied Chinyere on 2009-10-08

  There is nothing true about you being cursed. Whether or not there is a curse on your natural family is not the issue. The real issue is what family do you belong to? The day you got born again your roots changed and you became a member of the Household of God. That is what the Scripture teaches. There is no curse in that lineage. Only every spiritual blessing!

  Don't look for corroborating evidence from the wrong place. You need evidence that supports what you desire, not what you don't want. That is why you should not look at the history and patterns that have prevailed in your natural family. Each and every person is responsible for their own lives. So what happened to your cousins and aunts has no bearing on your own life and it need not have any bearing upon what will happen in your life unless you allow it.

  The doctrine of generational/family curses being unavoidably present and transferred automatically is nothing more than a lie from the depths of hell. It is a figment of the imagination of men who proffer the wrong solution because of their ignorance or aversion for the truth of the Word of God. The perpetrators of such lies need you to hear and believe their lies for you to be in bondage. Your life does not go beyond your thoughts and what you hear develops into thoughts, when you think and believe that you are cursed, then you stifle the blessing of God that is upon your life from flowing to bring the husband-man into your life. The message “He Changed My Roots,” holds liberating power and is a necessity for every believer, especially those who have come to believe the lie that the curse that hangs upon them is the reason for their situation. Even though you have listened to it, the fact that you are still thinking you are cursed, shows that you need to still need to listen to it over and over again because faith for victory in this area will come only through repeated hearing of the Word. Remember that you have been “brainwashed” with this doctrine of a curse since you were a teenager! Until the Word brings about a change in your perception and the way you see yourself in this respect, then you have not listened to it enough. Let the Word become part of you and then make use of your mouth to declare that Christ has redeemed you from every curse, and that resting upon you now is the blessing of God. That blessing includes the favour of God [Galatians 3:13-14]. And the favour of God upon you will make the right man spot you.

  Next, the fact that men who are born again come to you but they want you to have sex come shows that both of you are not in agreement. Good riddance to plenty rubbish! Remember two can't walk together except they are agreed on their destination [Amos 3:3]. It simply shows that even though they maintain that they are believers, their minds are not renewed to the Word of God, which you have chosen to bow your knee to. If you accepted their company, then you would have desecrated your values which are founded upon God's Word and stooped to their level. Please don't allow this disturb you. In fact, you may rather choose to see it as a reason for thanking God that such a person never came to your life. This will fuel you with praise as you remain poised and composed for the right man to come your way. By deciding to keep your body holy, you have honoured and glorified God with your body [1 Corinthians 6:20], and God said those who honour Him, He will honour [1 Samuel 2:30].

  Don't be bothered about your family being worried, passing nasty comments about your singleness. It may sound easier said than done. But it can be done. In order not to be bothered and worried, you must learn how to insulate yourself and harden your heart to everything that is contrary to what you expect to see in your life – marriage in this case. What is important is that you do not become worried. Don't let the worry in your family members become transferred to you. Worry is selfish and that is why though they are worried about you, they still pass nasty comments about you. The Scripture says that you should cast all your cares on the Father because He cares for you [1 Peter 5:7]. The care of God for you includes His ability to provide for you, and that provision includes a spouse. Once your heart is rested in the fact that He has a man for you, then you will wait patiently for the man as he makes his way to you. He may be on his way right now!

  Finally, be careful that your desire to get married ASAP doesn't become desperation. Desperation is a form of fear and if you get into fear, then you may be ready to accept anyone that comes to you though he is not God's will for you.

  Relax, dear BLESSED sister, your Boaz (made in heaven just for you) is on the way to find you! You are the statistics-breaker in your family!

• Rebecca Ebohon wrote on 02-10-2009

  A guy played American lottery for a girl and she won, he processed her paper and she left but came back after 2 years to marry him and went back to USA. After another 2 years, the lady said she is not coming back to Nigeria again and the guy said he is not going to America. Both of them have agreed to divorce as the marriage is not working. My question is: Is it ok for them to divorce? and can they re-marry to other persons after their divorce?

• The Panel replied Rebecca Ebohon on 2009-10-02

  Divorce cases are best treated on case by case basis. We would prefer to deal with such situations when we have full disclosure. Thank you.

• Rebecca Ebohon wrote on 02-10-2009

  Dear Panel, Please respond to the below question, i have gone through the TCC handbook and the question is not answered satisfactorily. Please i need your input on this. Thanks. If one is dating a christian sister from another church. and they intend to get married in that other church, where would they be counseled? and if courtship period is 3 months in that other church while in TCC its 6 months, how many months will they court before getting married?

• The Panel replied Rebecca Ebohon on 2009-10-02

  Thank you for the observation. We will go through the Handbook and ensure that it is clarified.

  In response to your question, TCC expects that as long as one of the couple (brother or sister) is a member of TCC, the courtship should be a minimum of six months whether the wedding is in TCC or not. The couple should follow the right steps to inform the church immediately - if in further doubt, there is always a Pastor available to help.

• Audience wrote on 30-09-2009

  Question 6 from Audience to The Panel on Sistaz And Suitors - 27/09/09

  I have witnessed several cases of marital problems where sex was the major cause. I want to ask: are there ways these sex related problems can be identified and addressed during courtship? In a case where both parties are not virgins, are they free to discuss their sexual experiences and fantasies?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2009-09-30

  The answer to your first question is that during courtship, we, TCC, strongly advice as a matter of policy that intending couples go through the premarital classes where they get to learn fundamental scriptural principles on how to have a long, lasting and enjoyable marriage. And one of the lessons taught focuses on “Romance and Sex” which is indeed one of the fulcrums upon which marriage is set. In this lesson, they are taught about sex from the Word and given good Christian literature on this subject and they are mandated to read them. If there are any issues, questions or comments that arise, they are addressed for the benefit of the intending couples.

  For the second question, I would like for you to know that you have the liberty to discuss anything with your spouse as long as it is godly communication. The Scripture tells us that the first couple were naked and not ashamed. You should be sensitive to one another's feelings, discerning whether or not it is something your spouse is relatively comfortable (though not from negative perspective e.g. fear, shyness etc) talking about. If the sexual experiences and fantasies you are referring to are those rooted in ungodly relationships (which is, mostly the case) you need to first renew your mind with God's Word and believe for sexual experiences and fantasies pleasing in God's sight (Heb 5:14). Don't drag your spouse down memory lane of the ugly sexual acts you got involved in or watched in pornography and now desire to reproduce in your godly marriage. It is healthier to mutually develop sexual adventures with one another that will be pleasing to both of you and to God.

• Audience wrote on 30-09-2009

  Question 5 from Audience to The Panel on Sistaz And Suitors - 27/09/09

  I am believing God for a husband but my mother wants me to marry from our tribe (Ikwerre). My elder sister has done their will and got married to an Ikwerre man. The man asking for my hand in marriage is from Delta and my mother rejected him. What do I do?

  N/B-He is a believer. Is my mother the barrier or am I the barrier?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2009-09-30

  God is the One you should believe for anything, including a spouse and nobody else. His fundamental standard for whom you could marry is that the person should be a born again Believer (2Cor 6:14). However, since every believer cannot be your spouse, you (not anyone else), as a child of God, have the God given permission to put in a request to Him about your preferences (e.g. maturity - spiritual or natural, tribe, height, complexion etc.) of the kind of spouse you would like to be married to. These preferences should not be cast in stone or steel or become a “do-or-die affair“ because they could become limitations or barriers to your having God's best for you. Always remember that God, your Father, is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all you could ever think or request from Him. Your mother is walking according to her natural understanding and possibly her experiences - you should walk in the spirit and by faith and do what you discern the will of God to be.

  Whether you marry an Ikwerre man or a Delta man remember that your mother will not live with you and one of your best guarantees for success in marriage is not where he is from but how much your spouse-to-be loves God, loves the Word and loves you.

• Audience wrote on 30-09-2009

  Question 4 from Audience to The Panel on Sistaz And Suitors - 27/09/09

  Can two believers who have AS & AS as genotypes stand in faith and get married against what family members think about it?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2009-09-30

  The main issue to examine here is what the two believers believe (and have believed up until that time) concerning divine healing and health. The medical fact which the intending couple should not be oblivious of is that they could have children who are AA, AS or SS. Having children who are SS could be a real serious concern because of the medical implications of such a child. It is advisable that the couple is sincere and find out what each other really believes. They should not be “blinded” by love. Many a couple in this kind of situation forges headlong claiming to be in faith. The events that play out if such a couple have an SS child many times show that the couple was never in faith to begin with - because REAL FAITH ALWAYS WORKS. What many people tag as faith is nothing short of wishful thinking or denial. Faith is not wishful thinking; neither is it denial. Faith is founded on the knowledge of God, of what God has done in Christ. The couple in this case has to be unequivocally certain that it is God's will that they be healthy in their bodies and also raise healthy children. Both of them have to be in agreement, as the reservation of either of them will not make it work.

  Sometimes family members are expressing genuine concerns based on what they have seen happen. The pain of giving birth to a child who could be snatched away by the hands of death may be unbearable. It is for reasons of this nature that parents and family members sound a note of caution or disagree totally. If a couple wants to go ahead in spite of these cogent concerns expressed by their parents and family members, then the only alternative they have is to believe God's Word of promise concerning them. Both of them should be in faith. That is only the way out. Anything short of that may be a dangerous gamble.

• Audience wrote on 30-09-2009

  Question 3 from Audience to The Panel on Sistaz And Suitors - 27/09/09

  While treating the topic of worship and praise, I was made to understand that while worshiping I can prostrate in honor to God, but in some traditions as a male, you need to prostrate for the girl’s parents. Is it right?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2009-09-30

  There is nothing wrong with it. There are some traditions that require that you do some form of obeisance some of them require that you bow and prostrate. What is important is the spirit and attitude with which it is done. You are not prostrating to girl’s parents as an act of worship. You are not worshipping them. You are simply respecting them in a language they understand and they require. That is not to say however, that if you are required to carry out certain cultural obligations or expectations that are adverse to the Word, you are meant to do so.

• Audience wrote on 30-09-2009

  Question 2 from Audience to The Panel on Sistaz And Suitors - 27/09/09

  This man told me he is born gain but has an addiction with cigarette smoking. My question is this: is he really born again? Should I accept him and help him quit smoking?

• The Panel replied Audience on 2009-09-30

  It is possible he is born again but has not been able to renew his mind in the area of cigarette smoking. You know a man gets born again in his spirit, but the change in his habits comes with a renewal of his mind- as he takes in God’s word and puts them into practice- where those habits are concerned. On whether you should accept him and help him quit smoking, it's not your duty to help him quit smoking; it takes the convicting power and work of the Holy Spirit to make him quit as he sees the harm associated with such habit. However, you should share your concerns where the smoking habit is concerned with him, and probably give him sometime to see whether the fruits of repentance would be evident. We often advise that you do not walk down the aisle with someone who promises to change but does not do so. Anyone who is truly yielded to the Word of God in any area will have results of victory in their lives in that area.

• Audience wrote on 30-09-2009

  Question 1 from Audience to The Panel on Sistaz And Suitors - 27/09/09

  I am born again. My family and friends are on my neck to marry. I am waiting on God but the pressure from them is so much match making. But they feel that I am not serious. I want a man that fears God. What do I do? I was even brought here by family (which I am grateful for, on this occasion).

• The Panel replied Audience on 2009-09-30

  Let me begin by saying that you must ALWAYS recognize the fact that you are born again, a new creature in Christ Jesus (2 Cor 5:17) and that your husband-to-be MUST also profess to be born again with fruit (character) to show for it. Getting married to a man who is not born again is not an optional thing for a Christian lady because there is really no fellowship between light and darkness (2 Corinth.6:14).

  Secondly, the idea of your family and friends match making or telling you who to marry is totally wrong. They are your loved ones and they may give their opinion on a man they've seen approach or propose to you but that is where it should end. In the final analysis you are the one to make the choice based on your desires. When next the pressure comes again from them let them know your stand on marriage as a believer.

  Also, be bold to tell them that when the right man comes for you, you will know and take the appropriate decision. Encourage them to convert their love for you into praying for you.

• Danep Jonathan wrote on 28-09-2009

  HEY Panel, I have a lady(born again) and we both love each other so much that i was ready to marry her but she said she can't marry me until ma mum isn't around(dead) before she can marry me. I asked her the reason why? and she said bcoz she does't want to have a mother-in-law around. But we both love each other so much. WHAT DO I DO?

• The Panel replied Danep Jonathan on 2009-09-30

  This is ridiculous! Don't go ahead with the lady. Saying that she can't marry you until your mother is dead is as good as telling you that she can't marry you. Does she expect you to kill your mother? Satan is the one who kills; she doesn't want to turn you into Satan does she?

  As it is, your options are to wait for your mother to die before you marry her; or forget her and find someone else. You want to take the second option. It is the sensible and spiritual call to make.

  Saying she doesn't want to have a mother in law doesn't hold water. In pure terms she is simply being selfish and afraid. If indeed she is a Christian why doesn't she ask God to help her be the person she ought to be and do what she ought to do all that lies within her power to live at peace with all men [Romans 12:18]? Even if your mother has proved to be a real difficult person and is even a witch - what matters the most is that both of you are able to address it and deal with it.

  This lady's “love” for you is not Scripturally real, because love is not self seeking [1 Cor. 13:5] and there is no fear in love [1 John 4:18]. Whatever may have fed her with fears concerning in laws over the years is not from God. The real love of God which is to be at the foundation of every relationship is based on knowledge.

• Rebecca Ebohon wrote on 28-09-2009

  If one is dating a christian sister from another church. and they intend to get married in that other church, where would they be counselled? and if courtship period is 3 months in that other church while in TCC its 6 months, how many months will they court before getting married?

• The Panel replied Rebecca Ebohon on 2009-09-28

  For the answer to this question, please check the TCC handbook at this link where you will find all the information you need. Thank you.

• chinedu okeke c wrote on 21-09-2009

  Must persons (believers) in courtship not exchange visits?

• The Panel replied chinedu okeke c on 2009-09-28

  Of course believers in courtship can and should exchange visits. However, it is not advisable to stay late as the "way of truth can be evil spoken of" if you do so.

  Also if during such visits, you are alone you should be real to leave the door open or go and sit outside if there is sexual tension rising in the atmosphere. If such situations reoccur then you can avoid visits and seek counsel especially if one person is placing sexual pressure on the other.

  There are many "common places" - fast food restaurant, church, friends home etc you can go to and still privately interact with the one you are in courtship with.

  Be careful though that visits are visits and not overnight stands as you should not even sleep under the "same roof" not just the "same room" - until you are married. You are not married until the day you are married.

• Daniel wrote on 09-09-2009

  What is the place of physical attraction in the choice of a life partner? Could God lead me to someone I am not attracted to physically?

• The Panel replied Daniel on 2009-09-23

  Daniel, in response to your question about the place of physical attraction in the choice of a life partner, we would like to say that sex was ordained by God to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage.

  It becomes therefore imperative that if you must enjoy sex in marriage then you should be sexually attracted to the person you wish to be married to. HOWEVER THAT SEXUAL ATTRACTION IS NOT EXPERIMENTED WITH UNTIL MARRIAGE. IT IS KEPT UNDER LOCK AND KEY UNTIL THE COUPLE IS MARRIED. We would recommend that you watch for the new series on Freshdew (www.freshdew.tv) titled "Love and Marriage" which should be starting in a couple of weeks.

  The Bible also says the steps of the righteous, are ordered by God (Psalm 37:23). This means that if you let Him, God will not lead you into anything but His will for you. However, God may not categorically always specify a specific bride for you but will guide you into that decision based on certain standards and precepts in the Word of God. It is ultimately a man who finds his wife with as much help from God as he is willing to receive.

• J.O wrote on 07-09-2009

  Is it proper to date someone before proposing or accepting a marriage proposal. Is it possible for me to fall in love and approach a sister who I have been observing and admiring in The Carpenter's Church without first having a "formal relationship" with her e.g. getting to know her name, where she comes from, her family, what she likes and hates, just to see if we can be compatible. I am quite sure such a sister will not just accept such a proposal coming from a total "stranger" even if the brother says he's a member of the church.

• J.O wrote on 07-09-2009

  The book of 1 Cor 7:10-11 says that "The married should not depart from his/her spouse and if he/she departs, must remain unmarried". Does that mean that if I find my wife to be unfaithful (catch her red-handed) or she becomes unbearable to live with and I divorce her, can I re-marry another or is death the only reason I have to re-marry?

• The Panel replied J.O on 2009-09-16

  In reply to the issue of divorce you wrote about, I would like for you to know that the issue of divorce in the Church of Jesus Christ is something that should be handled on a case by case basis, because no two marriages are the same. Realise divorce is not the best option at all in resolving marital disputes irrespective of what the source of the dispute may be; but it is not the “unpardonable sin” either.

  On the issue of dating, let me begin by defining dating: “to make an appointment with and go out with a member of the opposite sex especially frequently and regularly”. As a Christian you need to be very particular about how “frequently and regularly” you make such appointments; for what you should truly depend upon is the leading on your inside since we live by faith and not by sight. Wanting to know a person before making a decision to propose is justifiable but it is advisable to use means of group association such as group dating, Church departmental meetings etc to pursue this goal. In conclusion, you need to realise that a relationship between two single Christians of opposite sex that is not purely platonic (and even this is often difficult to sustain) should have a destination of marriage clearly defined. If this is not defined, both could be running with different destination in mind and could either run into sin, into trouble or run into a lot of hurt and pain.

• Alafagha Luke wrote on 27-08-2009

  a none member of the church to propose, do i prospose before informing pastor or pastor before proposing ?

• The Panel replied Alafagha Luke on 2009-08-31

  For the answer to this question, please check the TCC handbook at this link where you will find all the information you need. Also bearing in mind what your own church teaches and practices concerning relationships. Thank you.